BettyBras (see:www.bettybras.com)

CLICK ON THIS PICTURE FOR A SONG

2006-12-21T15:42:00.000+01:00

Betty wants something

2006-12-21T10:30:00.000+01:00

PP: "I don't think I understand what you really want"
BETTY: " What all christmas trees want Professor"

BB plays Santa Claus at night

2006-12-20T09:10:00.000+01:00

BETTY: A man should always remember to darn his socks!

PP and BB in a sleigh

2006-12-19T10:46:00.000+01:00

BB: "Isn't this just so inspiring, Professor?"
PP: " I think I'm getting sleigh-sick"

CLICK ON THIS PICTURE FOR A SONG

2006-12-17T17:05:00.000+01:00

2006-12-17T13:22:00.000+01:00

Betty: Well? Don't you like it? It will teach you positive thinking.
Professor: I'm afraid I might lose it.

PP gives a present

2006-12-15T13:23:00.000+01:00

Betty: "Thank you so much, Professor."
Professor: " I didn't want to get you something you already had, Betty."

Betty brings a Mistletoe

2006-12-14T13:47:00.000+01:00

Betty: "At Christmas you can kiss someone underneath a sprig of mistletoe.."
PP: "All right. I'll hold the mistletoe. Who are you going to kiss?"

PP is Santa Claus 2007

2006-12-13T10:27:00.000+01:00

Betty: "It's easy. You say Ho! Ho! Ho! and lots of children come to you for presents."
PP: "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
Betty: "Of course as any actor great knows, it depends how you say it."

PP prepares for christmas

2006-12-12T09:21:00.000+01:00

Betty: "You put a Christmas stocking at the bottom of your bed..."
PP: "I haven't got a stocking."
Betty: "And then Santa comes down the chimney..."
PP: "I haven't got a chimney."
Betty: "Professor, the best present you could receive is some positive thinking"

BETTY GETS SUSPICIOUS

2006-12-11T12:00:00.000+01:00

"It wasn't me Betty!"

BETTY SEEKS TRUE LOVE

2006-12-08T11:14:00.000+01:00

Betty: eccentric lonely heart seeks robust violin to play along with..
Violin: "no strings attached"

BETTY RAW FOOD

2006-12-06T10:49:00.000+01:00

PP: really everything raw? no tea no soup?
Betty: You have no inner peace professor

BETTY AND PUSSYCAT

2006-12-06T10:43:00.000+01:00

Betty: "Is that the way you pull toms?"
Cat: "I learned this method from Paris Hilton!"

BETTY DOES YOGA

2006-12-03T21:43:00.000+01:00

Guru: "And, do we remember how we got into this position?"
Betty: "I'd rather know how to get out of it!"

BETTY DISCUSSES MODERN TECHNOLOGY

2006-12-02T16:48:00.000+01:00

Betty: " Old sweaters, old shoes, old books. Don't you like anything that's new?
PP: "Oh yes. I've taken a liking to the typewriter."

PP is at it again

2006-12-01T16:15:00.000+01:00

"There are always things that one cannot really talk about.."

2006-11-30T22:41:00.000+01:00

PP's war against meaningless mobile phoning

2006-11-30T11:37:00.000+01:00

STRANGE EVENTS

2006-11-28T21:55:00.000+01:00

Hallo everyone,
I must say that some very strange things have been happening to me since that Betty Bras started cleaning.
For one thing, one or two articles have gone missing. I don't mean valuables or money or anything like that. But my mosquito net has disappeared. I always keep it under the pillow at night in case global warming brings the little monsters to Belgium. You know what they're like - they buzz around your ears and then they torment you with their bloodsucking ways. Like tiny little vampires. So you can't be too careful. Others keep a revolver or a knife for protection under the pillow - I keep a mosquito net. Now I'm totally defenceless. How could she do this to me?
Another thing. She doesn't understand that I like to wear socks of different colours. I leave a pair out in the morning, ready to wear the next day (I never leave things like that till the evening), and then she comes and tidies them away because they're odd socks. Well, they might be odd to her, but to me they're a pair. Opposites attract. Doesn't she know that? My red sock and my yellow sock are partners - but she's separated them and forced them to mix only with socks of their own kind. Lacks liberal values, does that Betty Bras.
And the final peculiar thing that happened. When I met Angelica the other day (Aunt Angelica is 99 and hasn't ever shown signs of mental weakness), she was dressed in purple! I asked her if she'd been made a cardinal (though I knew that you had to be under 80 for this privilege, and besides Aunt Angelica is a Zen Buddhist)and she said 'I did it to please you'. 'Please me? But Auntie, you look like a plum'. She was not happy at this remark, and wouldn't speak to me for at least an hour.
You know, I can't help thinking that there's a conspiracy of some kind here. Strange things are happening, and one way or another I'm sure they can be traced back to that Betty Bras. Sometimes I think it would be better not to have a cleaner at all, but then again Guru says a bit of disruption never does anyone any harm, and in my case it could even do some good. So....la da di. di la la. da li la. Oh dear!

BETTY GETS INSIDE

2006-11-28T17:10:00.000+01:00

"Thank you for letting me in professor, I'll be your finest employee; motivated, loyal and with a sharp eye for what is really needed"

BETTY TALKS PP INTO HOUSEHOLD MATTERS

2006-11-27T11:31:00.000+01:00

"Just think about all those poor rich people, who'll never know what a pleasure it is to dustclean together!"

Betty and Babel

2006-11-25T10:57:00.000+01:00

Today betty wanted to make a good movie

Yesterday Betty saw Babel. She thought it was an amazing film but it did give a little bit reason to cry. It is always good to cry of course, but this time it felt a little unsure. It was like crying about the world. On one hand it was good, Brad Pitt was good, (Betty and Brad sounds like an awsome couple) and the other ones were good actors. But there was also the sad misunderstanding. Since Betty is all about clearing up misunderstandings, Babel was a hard one to watch. Let's hope there is some wisdom in the line: it was just a film

BETTY COMES HOME AFTER DAY OF CLEANING

2006-11-19T14:41:00.000+01:00

NO NO NO! I refuse to say anything about the house of Professor Periwinkle, in spite of all your nagging and hassling. I'm a discrete cleaning lady. It would be really a violation of privacy if I would reveal what I have seen up there. Dusty secrets I TELL YOU. Of course it's not easy. I'd prefer telling you all details. For example how I felt when I had to open that strange little box that I found underneath his cupboard, with that strange smell coming from it. I had to see if it was rubbish or not and, it was just terrible to open that box filled with fuzzy papers, looking like love letters, and such shock it was to see him on these photographs. PP was so young and tall and handsome, I was in complete awe. But you see, there I go too far already. Already too far in my exposition.
All right, all right, a small detail was that I did find a few socks. A few smelly and dusty socks. They were laying behind the stacks of old newspapers in his study. Okay, the socks were dirty and strange looking but it might not have been his socks. It could have been somebody elses socks. Yes, somebody with small feet..
Then I found...o no. that would be too much to tell. Well, maybe it's all right. I found a hairnet. Yes I did. An old dirty hairnet, with still a few curly hairs in it. Under his pillow. I know, isn't it terrible? I threw it away of course, what if he saw me with it!
Well, and then... dear people. And now you must be ready: I found out that PP has.... a date! Yes, this coming Sunday!! In the park. Because I was co-incidentally vacuumcleaning his desk and dusting his organizer, I read this appointment. Her name is Angelica. She lives nearby because when I called her number I heard the address mentioned on the answering machine..
O people, isn't that exciting?! That silly PP has a date!
Well, we cannot tell him that we know about it. Let's not share anything with him before anything is secure. I will leave a message tonight on that answering machine of hers saying that it's important that she wears purple. (That's his favorite color). Everything for success!

Now, i am going to call my mum for tips and tools on how to cleanse bathtubs that haven't been cleaned in twenty years.

Cheerio!

Betty

THE CLEANER FROM HELL

2006-11-16T19:59:00.000+01:00

Help! Help! Is there anyone out there? Help! SOS! Mayday!
Betty Bras has come to clean. But she doesn't clean. Or rather she doesn't just clean. She redefines.
'The vase doesn't want to be there,' she says. 'It wants to be THERE.'
'It doesn't want to be anywhere,' I say. 'It's inanimate. It's a vase.'
'It may be inanaimate,' she says, 'but it has wishes too. You should know that, as a philosopher. It wishes to be OVER THERE.' Then she moves it again.
She talks a lot about feng shui. I don't know what feng shui is, but I want my things left where they are. She's a rearranger of lives, a turner upsidedown and insideout of home and hearth. It's like having a hurricane start up inside the house. Things end up in all sorts of different places. She's moved the kitchen upstairs ('to keep smells away') and the bed to the front door ('so you can greet visitors without getting up'). She's put my study on the roof ('so you can be inspired by the stars'). She's upending and altering and rebranding and as a result I'm totally unhinged. Where is my hinge? I must have my hinge....
Do not let Betty Bras clean your home. This is one inspiration station too many. First my beard, then my house - why she's even put my shirts in the cupboard under the stairs where I keep the vacuum cleaner. She says vacuum cleaners like shirts. This is an example of how strange she is. I am going south on the next available train. I am so pleased she doesn't clean trains. That, and that alone, is the reason they stay on the track and have the engine at the front and the wheels underneath. Believe me, she'd change all that.
In deranged desperation...
Hairy Wrinkle (My God! She even rearranges names!) Periwinkle!

Betty applies for a job

2006-11-16T08:55:00.000+01:00

Today Betty discovered what PP really needs and applies for a job

Dear people,
This morning I passed PP's house and guess what, when I looked through the windows, I saw him walking around under a cloud of dust. The cloud of dust followed him wherever he went, from living to kitchen and really looked like some sort of beard. But of course it wasn't. Waving with a big piece of cloth (was it his table cloth? an old scarf?) PP tried to dust the cloud from his house. But it didn't matter. It was a lost battle already.
I was flabbergasted. I think I kept watching him for almost 5 minutes, it was a little embarrassing I admit. Then my heart poored over with compassion. I mean, that man fighting his battle against dust, really touched me. I was just on the verge of knocking at the window, to tell him a little early-morning-hello, when I saw a little note hanging in the corner of the window. It was handwritten:

WANTED: CLEANING SOMEONE (EFFICIENT)
MUST LOVE PHILOSOPHY
Applications received etween 4pm and 4.10pm

Well, as I am not a stone hearted woman I rang right away. Yes, and guess what? I GOT THE JOB!
At first he was a little surprised that it was ME ringing the doorbell. And after that he got a little suspicious. But when I explained my cause a smile broke through on his face and he told me that I got the job.
It will not pay much but at least we will get to collaborate a bit more. He also mentioned something about his beard but quickly quickly I told him we would arrange the details later.

People, it's always good if you can help someone out. Of course it's not about money. I just love helping PP out. It must be an old complex that I carry with me but who cares, so happy dusting and

CHEERIO!

Betty

Betty's Poetry Service

2006-11-14T13:15:00.000+01:00

Betty has a new service and explains to Mr. Mashimoto what it's all about

Mr.Mashimoto: Wasabi mashda mashda Mashimoto wakari hai Massi Massi Inc. Hello?

Betty: It's Betty!

Mr. Mashimoto: Bitty! Ghow aw you?! haahahahahaha

Betty: I'm good, how aw gyu?

Mr. Mashimoto: ? ah, good. business good. Tokyooo hahahaha
he Ghow aw T-shirts? Business as usual? haha

Betty: Yes. But I start to think about a poetry service. In Dutch.

Mr. Mashimoto: What? You wanna sell cars?

Betty: No. Poetry

Mr. Mashimoto: ah I see. Paltry.....isz good business?

Betty: Yes.

Mr. Mashimoto: How about I order?

Betty: Order!? Great! What topic would you like me to rhyme on?

Mr. Mashimoto: topic..ah...European girls. Or eh..no European institutions. Yeah. No European Union

Betty: all right. It will be in Dutch though

Mr. Mashimoto: yes. Dutch girls. Dutch onion. Onion isz good for paltry!

Betty: (sighs) Mr. Mashimoto,....never mind

Mr. Mashimoto: ahahaha, newer mind...hahaha funny girl. Oh, customer comes. Bye Bitty!

Betty: Cheerio!

Dear readers, it's true. Christmas is coming. Saint Nicolas too. If you need poems, I'll write them for You.

Cheerio Betty

THE ART OF GETTING FAMOUS: RULE 9

2006-11-12T21:57:00.000+01:00

Dear people, today Betty presents rule 9 for becoming famous

I've started to suspect that that Professor Periwinkle isn't completely normal. Just yesterday I ran into him in the street. I was on my way to a very professional business meeting, and wore a very nice cream coloured business suit, and he looked at me as if he saw someone running naked in the street. So I stood still to say hello and he just stared at me. Then he pointed (!) and produced some very peculiar sounds. Like ooh, and the vikings, and ah and Asterix and no no, women in boats etc.
At first I thought he pointed at his beard, that was wrapped around my neck. But then he seemed to change his mind. He mumbled something about Venetian Art and a guy named after an Italian Pasta (Vermicelli or something) and than he ran off. That silly man. I wanted to offer him his beard, but then he pretended that he wanted to have it back, only by post. Well hello! I am a professional, not a Postorder Company.

Dear people, if you want to become famous then please follow my ninth rule: never stare at professionals. It's just not professional.

If you have any peculiar idea in mind, about someone walking in the street, and you cannot suppress the need to say something weird, then just add that you're a casting director looking for a protagonist for your next film. Or, that you want to start a church quire for dogs.

Cheerio!

Betty

BOTTICELLI AND THE BEARD

2006-11-03T13:20:00.000+01:00

I had such a strange experience yesterday. I was out walking and I saw Betty Bras. I went up to her to see whether she knew anything about my lost beard, and I saw she was wearing it. And not only that, this was all she was wearing. It was draped round her like the hair of Botticelli's Venus, the one who's standing in a seashell that everyone raves about.
Well, what could I do? Perhaps you readers have the answer. I mean I could hardly have asked for the beard back, could I. She'd have been ... well, totally exposed to the elements. But at the same time it didn't seem right that she wore my beard like that, and it must have been terribly ticklish. I was nonplussed. I just didn't know what to do.
In the end I decided to ask her to return the beard in the post when she'd finished with it. But she just laughed at me and said it suited her too well to let me have it back.
Now I'm sitting by my typewriter trying to concentrate on The Early Development of the Phoenician Alphabet. But all the time this beard-borrowing Botticelli babe comes floating through the mist and hovers in front of the keys. I think I'll drink some cocoa and have an early night. Then maybe she'll go away. La di DA!

BETTY GETS SECURE

2006-10-28T20:15:00.000+02:00

Do you know this situation: that you have a friend, it might be just an acquaintance, that you have no idea of why you keep seeing him? In my case, this happened with a young security officer who stood at my door a few times, and really, it was all I could take. He was so boring that I fell asleep the MOMENT he rang the door. At some point he told me that he had seen me standing in my living, with my head fallen forward, and so this forced me to tell him that I had a sleeping disorder which had to do with doorbells. Of course, this wasn't true but I had to make something up. I couldn't tell him that I was tired of having to listen to his endless conversations about fur hats or courtyards or the people he needed to provide with security. He thought security was exciting but I thought it is extremely boring. Although we all need it, there is nothing as boring and predictable as that. So what did I do? Well, I tried to give him some sort of a nod, and then he went away. (I think he lives in a small country near the East Coast now).

It's hard to find an exciting man these days. Often, IF you find one at all, he has already been found by someone else. So what is left, is weird men. Take PP. He is SUCH a strange man. All his life, he spends on waggling to the supermarket, getting a package of cofee and then moving slowly back into the house to lock himself up with an old typerwriter. According to him, that is all he wants to do. I don't believe him. I think it is all he CAN do. Although I head, he has become a member of a dating site! Then, he shares his whole life with me. According to me, this clearly indicates a personality problem. From both sides.
The other thing that bothers me is the so called 'beard issue' that we're facing. Yesterday I tried to wrap the beard around my neck to see if it suits me. I believe it looks sexy. So, I think I'll keep it there for a while and see if he notices. Of course, he still hasn't gotten back to me about the e-mail I sent him, but perhaps when he gets cold, (and he gets cold all the time) he'll be in touch soon.

Cheerio!
Betty

BETTY GETS SECURE

2006-10-28T20:12:00.000+02:00

PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE LOSES SOME BEARD

2006-10-27T12:37:00.000+02:00

I went to see Betty the other day and I felt a little cold on the way home. I looked to see if I had my coat, my hat and my shoes, and there they were, but I still felt cold. Perhaps I needed a scarf. And then I realised - I'd left some beard in Betty's house.
This was a problem. I've left an umbrella before, but never a beard. And how did it come off? Did I pull it? Did she pull it? Did it get sliced with a knife or did it get twisted round some strange piece of furniture?
This has never happened to me before. On all my trips to museums and monasteries, to football games and swimming pools, to cinemas and academic conferences, I've never ever lost any of my beard. Like a faithful dog, it has followed me everywhere. But not when it went to see Betty Bras. Betty was obviously irresistible, a femme fatale to these impressionable little hairs who followed her like sheep.
The question now is: do I ask Betty for my beard back? Or do I stay away from her until it's grown back again and then pretend nothing happened? And what exactly did happen? Did she pounce on me with scissors? I seem to remember something about a door......
She's written me a letter about it. I think I'll open it. But I'm not sure when. Maybe when my beard's grown back a little. I always get this very funny feeling when I think of Betty Bras. As if I'm sitting on a wobbly jelly. So I don't think I'll reply for a while, in case I start to wobble some more....

BETTY WAITS FOR A REPLY

2006-10-25T08:47:00.000+02:00

Dear people, one of the big problems we women have, is that men don't respond. They just don't. It takes so much talking, you might just as well have three tongues. When they finally get your message, they wonder why you didn't open up your mouth before. In the mean time, we are totally exhausted and gather to drink hugh pots of tea to get our dry tongues to work normally again.
Sometimes I think men don't respond deliberately, so they can rest and keep to themselves. Really, the amounts of resting men I have found these days, it's just overwhelming. They are EVERYWHERE. In parks, on doorsteps, or in the middle of traffic jams. They smile all the time and keep telling you that they have a plan for the next day. (With strong emphasis on 'next day')

Take PP. I wrote him this e-mail, telling him that I found a piece of his beard in front of my doorstep, and guess what, he hasn't responded. Nothing. Not a word. Not even a confirmation that he got my e-mail.
'Of course', you might say, 'anything could have happened'. Yes, he could have fallen ill. Or taken a train to Prague. Or have forgotten to come home. But let's face it, how many people take a train to Prague all of a sudden? Only a handful!
Besides, PP hasn't left his house for weeks. Taking a train to Prague would be very impulsive and very strategically unlogical. No, I'll tell you what the case is. He probably hasn't read it. It's probably still sticking in his mailbox. Or, worse, he HAS read it and believes he has responded already. That happens to men all the time. In fact, I know of a man who keeps repeating things like: "Yes yes, I have already said this and this a few days ago". And: "As I told you earlier...." (but no one has heard him saying anything). And all this with this very self content tone of voice. Of course this man doesn't realize, that people know that he hasn't said ANYTHING. He just wonders why there is groups of waiting women all around his office.

So for this man and all the non responding others: if you want to be respected and become successful, then dig up some accurate replies and deliver them fast!

(this is RULE VIII of my do-it-yourself-program for becoming successful and famous and is also valid for non responding women)

Cheerio!

Betty

BETTY WRITES AN E-MAIL TO PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE

2006-10-24T08:55:00.000+02:00

Dear people, yesterday I had a date. A date with a very difficult man. A loner so to speak. He was tall, and dark haired and he had brown teeth. From smoking. Of course I wasn't interested. I mean, of course I was. There he sat, in front of me on a stool with a big Chimay in his hand, telling me he really wanted to be with a woman (!) like me. Isn't that flattering? The problem was, he had nothing to base it on. He only met me once before, at a cinema, and after that, he kept being very determined. I was very suspicious of this man so I asked him: well, what would you say if I tell you that in fact I am a refugee? I come all the way from Mexico and have no real place on earth. You know what he said? It seemed to make no impression. The only thing he said was: well, that's what I like about you baby, your gypsy heart. In awe, I drank a big Chimay myself, looked at the vague Gypsyman in front of me and decided to write an e-mail to the one and only real man in my life till now: PP

Dear PP
I am very sorry to tell you this, but yesterday I found a piece of beard on the street. I am almost 100% absolutely sure it is a piece of your beard. I guess it was pulled off when you slammed the door behind you. I picked it up and took it to my house. Please call me if you want it back. I will not tell anyone about this.

Love
Betty

P.S: I tried to cover a small stool with it, but it didn't do enough

CHEERIO
BETTY

BETTY AND PP

2006-10-23T09:40:00.000+02:00

I'm worried about PP dear people. I have the feeling that he doesn't take care of himself. He never goes out. He never goes groceryshopping. His beard grows longer and longer and he smiles all the time. A clear sign of someone who has no clue. When my grandmother started to smile like that, she was 89, she fell of the stairs a few days later. Still smiling but dead. It was just terrible.
Maybe I should buy him a swiffer. Or, something to take the spiders out of the corners of his house. Or, a little comb, to get the beard nice and straight. Or a soap, in the shape of a big hand so he can wash himself.
Of course I have no clue how to approach it. It is more that it breaks my heart to see all this happening.
Who has a good plan for PP?

cheerio
Betty

BETTY'S TIP FOR SUCCESS RULE VII: BE CRAZY

2006-10-20T12:16:00.000+02:00

Today Betty presents rule VII for your succesful career: BE CRAZY

Now, what do I mean with being crazy? That you need to fly up to a window and yell that the aliens are coming to get you? That you go to a wedding, wearing a wedding dress and dance with the groom all night? That you marry your dog and tell everyone that you would love to have children together? Yes, I do mean this. It is all very crazy and very right to do.

But, you're saying, isn't it foolish to be crazy? Will people not start to see me in a way I don't want to be seen. YES. THAT IS RIGHT. But, when becoming succesful you'll have to stand out somehow. There is too much competition to not do it.
It is up or it is out. So enjoy the crazy guy in yourself (it is always a guy) and let him do whatever he thinks its best.
Last night I suddenly felt the need to stand on my head. Just for a minute or two and so I did. Of course standing on your head in the local bakery isn't the most easy thing to do. I had to catch the loafs of bread that were falling from the shelves with my feet and a few cakes slid from the counter on top of an old lady, but hey, it was a real event for the baker and his customers. Afterwards I apologized and got myself a croissant. Succes ensured!

Cheerio!

Betty

A DOG - THE KEY TO SOCIAL SUCCESS

2006-10-18T20:17:00.000+02:00

One of the best ways of mixing socially and making friends is to get a dog.
A small one that can fit into your bag is ideal. It will pop its head out (probably involuntarily) as the bus swerves to avoid a dustcart or a cyclist, and everyone will say 'Isn't he/she lovely! What's his/her name? How old is he/she? etc. etc.' These are things they'd NEVER DARE ask YOU, but they are happy to ask your dog. Then when they've taken that step it's much easier to find out how old you are too (if you want to tell them).
You can always talk to people in parks while you're out walking the dog, and there'll be plenty of opportunity to start conversations about the best food to give your pet, how it can be trained and so on. Once again people who'd never dare ask you what school you went to or what you liked for dinner will happily ask all these things about your pooch. Before long they'll be just as interested in you.
Should this scheme not work (it almost always does, there are very few lonely dog owners), then you need a different animal that will force people to sit up and take notice of you. Try taking your python to the park (pythons are such friendly huggy kissy creatures that love to give people a big squeeze, especially children), or even a small rhino (tiny ones are very cute). A zebra is striking and will help to keep the grass cut. And of course lions are beautiful creatures (probably best not to walk one next to the zebra).
If you're someone who needs to get noticed through an animal (we professors call it Displaced Recognition Syndrome or DRS) then my advice is to go ahead and get an animal that suits you. You'll never regret it. La di da.

BETTY'S TIP FOR SUCCESS RULE VI: DRIVE WITH YOUR HEART

2006-10-13T11:40:00.000+02:00

I think the heart is an insane instrument, don't you agree? On one hand it is a very constant factor in life, a little bit overregular to my taste, on the other hand, it is a very emotional creature and it has no rules. So it seems. Of course, the heart is a beautiful thing, because it is ever there and hey, who can live without it? I still need to meet the first person who can do without one. It would be a terrible person though, a heartless being without love.

I would love to speak to a heart sometime and ask him how it feels to be so capricious. I mean, following a heart can be very risky. You might loose direction or you might loose what you had before!
Therefore dear almost famous wannabes, and I speak from my heart here, is that the advice that I can give you is a little boring. It is something like; be sensible. be smart. Now you're almost famous, you need to be very careful. It can all go wrong at the tail. So, my advice ( and I whisper this while I am writing) is: attach your fans to you but never pull your heart out unless you want to bleed.

Well, I'm off to a party now, with many celebs from all over the world. I am gonna sing a few songs and have some wine.
What do you think? isn't that the life we all should lead?

cheerio!

Betty

BETTY'S TIP FOR SUCCESS RULE V: KISS WITH FLAIR

2006-10-11T22:12:00.000+02:00

Hello there, welcome back. Today Betty has figured out rule 5
Rule 5 is intense but secure: KISS AROUND
Although I write this with my last bit of energy, since the day was long, I Betty, feel that we need to discuss this very important principle of being famous.
Of course copying Britney Spears who kissed Madonna and then her husband Kevin and a few babies, is no good. None of these kisses have any lasting effect (except for 2 babies) because Britney looses all her connections slowly but securely. Now she is getting a divorce from kevin and oooo well kissing will be hard after this...

No, you gotta start kissing people who have a lasting impact on your career. For example, start trying to kiss a good hero, like your favorite local politician. Could be anyone and he could even be dead; in that case, kiss a good statue. We have a few great generals in Brussels that are easy to be kissed as long as you handle it with care.
In any case, you gotta kiss around. and get your pictures taken. In case you have a bleeding heart that belongs to someone, it is very difficult to start kissing around and surprise your fans kiss after kiss, but remember, the road to fame is a rocky road. You got to take the risk of a good mono, or something else bacterial but then, hey, after all that hugging and kissing, someone will take the right pictures and put you in the Daily News. think about Greta Garbo and Marilyn Monroe who were great kissers. Or Hitchkock, he loved kissing birds.
And that, is what it's all about people: getting your face in the daily news. So give yourself some flair and go for it.

BIG KISS
Betty

PERIWINKLING TO POPULARITY

2006-10-08T11:09:00.000+02:00

Feeling lonely and ignored? No one notice you're there? People never look at you but just look through you? Getting desperate?
Never mind. Professor Periwinkle has the answer. Refuse to speak.
Of course we're talking long term strategy here. This isn't for the merchant of the quick fix. We're in for the long haul here. But after a time people will start to wonder why you're not saying anything and then they'll get interested in you.
At the same time you should get rid of all your documents and anything that can identify who you are. This will make you even more interesting. It is the strategy followed by the famous (you see, famous!) 'Piano Man' when he turned up in England last year. He didn't speak, he had no documents, he had eluded all the world's nosy recognition systems - even George Bush didn't know who he was! All he could do was play the piano.
And so he quickly became a celebrity and got into all the papers and all sorts of people claimed to 'recognise' him as a mime artist, or a member of a rock band, or a man running away from his wife. He was so popular that people came just to look at him (he wouldn't speak to them) or to listen to him playing the piano and occasionally drawing them pictures.
There's a play about (and called) The Piano Man at Theaterhaus Rudi in Dresden, November 23rd-26th by some strange fellow called Mark Corner. So if you're near Dresden at that time (eg if you're in Prague or Berlin) why don't you pop along and see it. And then you'll learn how to become famous too!
La di da!

BETTY'S TIP FOR SUCCESS RULE IV: CHANGE YOUR MIND

2006-10-04T15:04:00.000+02:00

Dear peole, today we'll speak about rule IV: CHANGE YOUR MIND

This rule seems very complex, but is easy to learn. As you all are ruthless and merciless for becoming famous and successful, you have tendency to focus too hard. Therefore I recommend to practise the skill of CHANGING YOUR MIND when necessary. People who are capable of changing their own mind, are usually capable of changing other peoples mind . This is a WONDERFUL tool. It helps you to influence anyone who is not convinced of your brilliance. Please hide your flip flopper qualities and present yourself as a steady hill. And then, be as flexible and surprising as a Kroatian gymnastic.

The idea behind this is simple: you've got to surprise the others to unite them. Fans usually unite in amazement about a star. Napoleon tended to surprise everyone; one day he invented the handkerchief. Instead of snorking his snotty nose and sound like a pig, he blew his nose in some piece of cloth. Of course, at first he couldn't convince himself of the brilliance of this silly new custom, but then HE changed his mind and within a few months, the WHOLE OF FRANCE changed their mind. Many people used their dresses but when fashion changed (since the designers changed their mind also) they ran around with different things like curtains, sheets and in the end kitchen towels. This way Napoleon had his way and he created a big mass of subordinates.

In these days, we don't have Napoleon but others: Paris Hilton, same, there is no steadiness in the girl and yet she stands like the Eiffeltower. Renee Zellweger, changes her mind all the time about anything she can think off. George Clooney, changes changes changes. Everyday he looks a little bit different. Every year, even more. It's a very powerful tool that I would like to give you.

Of course, when in doubt, feel free to ask questions. For more suggestions about how to look for mind boggling changes, I refer to Seeking Woman who returned from some trip just this week

Cheerio!

Betty

MEETING PEOPLE THROUGH UNUSUAL HOBBIES

2006-10-02T22:35:00.000+02:00

People often say that you meet people through taking up a sport or a hobby. This is true, but it's best if the recreational activity is unusual.
To give an example. Last Saturday Brussels had a 'nuit blanche' and lots of things were happening in the city all night, as I suppose they always do. One thing happening was a tour of some former cinema sites, led by a woman with a sort of squashy fez on her head and a couple of bagfuls of notes. She took us to the top of a multistorey car park where there used to be a 'panorama' (this was part of the 'prehistory' of cinema) and then to other buildings which used to be cinemas but now aren't, like the Marriott hotel (which wouldn't let us in). Meanwhile she showed us lots of pictures of the cinemas that used to be in Brussels while we stood around in the street trying to see them.
Now this was a real bonding opportunity. It was highly eccentric, demanding and original. People who joined this activity must have felt an immediate sense of being drawn together by the pursuit of bygone Brussels before the bulldozers moved in and created the multiplex.
So if you want to meet people, choose something unusual and become passionate about it. The insects that live between the paving stones of Brussels; the ghosts that haunt its disused railway stations; the site where a mediaeval mystic wrestled with the Devil. Far better than trying to get to know people over tennis or tying yourself into knots at yoga.
La di da.

Seeking Woman's secret

2006-10-01T23:42:00.000+02:00

Hi! This is seeking woman!

It's been long since you've heard from me but please let me explain. I was on a secret mission.

A few weeks ago I was looking for lost souls. Only just after I started I found that many many souls were answering my call. Some of them were at peace with themselves, some of them did'nt give shit and apparently some of them were really pissed off, because NO-ONE came looking for them!

One of these extremely angry souls, the soul of Bill Gates (so he claimed), became totally aggressive and started threatening me. I decided to hide at mrs. Ayaan Hirsi Ali's house in the USA and I had such a lovely time, I almost didn't want to leave!!

In the end Bill's soul (who kept calling himself 'Goofy") decided to back off because Bill's behaviour became more and more absurd and he didn't seem to learn from his mistakes at all.

So, here I am, ready for some serious searching!

Thanks for your patience and Ayaan, thanks for your lovely home made soy-latte frappiatio's!!! ;)

SW

BETTY'S TIP FOR SUCCESS RULE III

2006-10-01T12:42:00.000+02:00

Dear people, welcome back at Betty's new series: Tips and Tools for success. Today we present RULE III: TAKE CARE

Being famous like you almost are, gives you the responsibility of taking care of your fans. Probably, hunting for fame, you have no interest in taking care of anybody but yourself, but it is very important to practise this skill. Start with taking care of a little thing, like a plant or your own hair. It is ALWAYS good to build a relationship, even with something that already belongs to you.

Remember: Show the integrity of your sudden attention. Mistrust is a big barrier to overcome in ANY relationship (Betty's relationship with her home mosquito Binny is still very fragile); with the right amount of love, light, warmth, truth and earth, any relationship could florish.

But, you might say, HOW do I take care? Well, in case you have 1 fan, start with the giving of a CLEAR compliment. Something like: WHAT WONDERFUL FEET YOU HAVE! Walking must be so easy for you! Then, it is necessary to intensify the contact by saying something important. Say; "I support you on all your silly projects and completely trust your mad decisionmaking, whatever that might lead to in your near future." This allows your fan to be completely himself, meaning NOT perfect and gives him all reason to love you. As Betty always states: pointing with one finger to someone else, means pointing with the other three to yourself.

For making fans I would like to refer to the last posting of Professor Periwinkle in which he mentions locations where you could easily connect to people. For now, good luck with applying RULE III.

Next time we discuss rule IV of becoming succesful and famous.

Cheerio!

Betty

ANOTHER HANDY TIP ON HOW TO MEET PEOPLE

2006-09-29T16:06:00.000+02:00

You're lonely and you think no one likes you. Perhaps you're even suicidal. What should you do? Have you thought about visiting the cemetery?
If you're the sort of person who likes to talk and express his/her feelings, but perhaps isn't the world's best listener, then a cemetery is an ideal place for you to tell everyone about yourself. The dead are very good listeners - they don't interrupt and unlike your psychiatrist they don't charge. They just listen in stunned silence. Perhaps, being dead, they think something like 'Get a life', but they don't tell you this. They are very polite.
Cemeteries don't only contain corpses. They have some very interesting sculptured headstones, well-planted trees and are lovingly tended like the best gardens. And of course they are well attended by widows or widowers, who might be a little more receptive to your charms than other people. 'I guess you'll be looking for a new husband now' might not be the best of opening lines, but you can always try something like 'I miss him too. He was my best friend.'
Cemeteries are peaceful places, and a lot of thoughtful people go there to think and revive their spirits. They may not all be keen to talk, but if you find yourself next to such a person you can both remain silent and simply feel each other's presence. You can bond spiritually - and even if you go away without speaking, something of that other person will go with you. La di da.

BETTY'S TIPS FOR SUCCESS II

2006-09-28T10:05:00.000+02:00

As promised, today Betty presents rule II for becoming succesful and famous, in addition to PP's wonderful new series: How to meet New People

RULE II: BE THE ANSWER
For those of you who will be famous and succesful soon, it is very important to start focusing on those two flappers sticking out of your head: your beautiful ears. People nowadays tend to focus on the eyes, but the ears can do some good for you two. Betty's Newsletter is, how co-incidental, devoted to the EARS this month, so please check it out to update your knowledge. The idea behind listening to people is to then present yourself as THE ANSWER to any question they might have. Like yesterday, when Betty talked to an answer, she found out how comforting and reassuring that felt.

Betty: I have a question

ANSWER: And you want to know what's the answer?

Betty: Yes

Answer: Right. The answer is right.

Betty: Good answer, what was the question?

Answer: I don't know. I just do answers

Betty: Okay...gee, you must give many answers during the day

Answer: Is that a question?

Betty: Yes

Answer: Okay... yes,..the answer is yes

Betty: Yes..All right...(silence) would january 2030 be a good month to go on holiday?

Answer: Absolutely, 100%

Betty: thanks...just what I needed

Answer: No thanks

As you can see, this conversation could lead to great friendship and deep connection between two people who just met.
Succes is always related to answering the questions of people, who then will become your fans. If you feel nobody wants to become your fan just tell them a little bit about yourself: what you ate today, or where you'd love to go. Fans love to talk to famous people and since you'll be one soon it should come easy.

Next time we'll discuss the third rule for becoming a succesful person...

Cheerio!

Betty

BETTY'S TIPS FOR SUCCESS

2006-09-27T10:36:00.000+02:00

Today Betty presents the first RULE that will help you to become famous

When you're a famous person, you need to meet and greet many strange and unsuccesful people, and you'll need to wash your hands all the time and go to the hairdresser very often. So the first thing is to decide: can I live with this or not? If not, then it's better to forget about the whole thing and do something more common (like: making muffins at home)

But if you still feel like it, than Betty has the following first lesson for you:

RULE I: EMBODY YOURSELF
Many people aren't where their body is. They live somewhere else. They dream and move to another planet on a daily basis.
Others limit themselves to JUST being a head. Especially nowadays, with all these computers, people don't remember their body and what it feels like. So there is lots of space for you left; you just need to use your WHOLE BODY, like Madonna. Don't start dragging out pieces of woods to build a cross to hang yourself at, but just move like the woman (don't sing!). Think big. Think as if there were large audiences applauding for you. Then, with this feeling incorporated, go out and start to make your first important contacts with future fans, on whom you'll need to build your fame on. Your body is your future

Now, for the right environment to start in, I would like to refer to the postings of Professor Periwinkle about where to meet people. Please write to us about any questions that you might have on this and we'll answer.

Tomorrow we'll present RULE II for how to become famous and succesful.

Cheerio!

Betty

ANOTHER HANDY TIP FROM PROFESSOR P

2006-09-26T11:12:00.000+02:00

You are all alone in the big city and you want to meeet people. But you don't want to hang around in bars or join singles clubs or mess around with dating agencies. What can you do? Last week Professor Periwinkle suggested a launderette as the ideal social venue. This week he suggests something else for those of you who are fit and daring. The ideal meeting-place for any lonely singletons is

A BRUSSELS BUS

The Belgian capital is blessed with lots of narrow streets which hark back to its history as a large town rather than a great capital laid out with wide boulevards. This means that its buses have to do a lot of stopping and swerving as they try to negotiate the lanes. You will find yourself thrown all over the place, enjoying a rib-tickling rollercoaster of a ride in which you are bound to land on several other passengers several times during your journey. To make the squeeze even more fun, the buses make sure that they don't come too often, that they fill up only from the front and that the aisles are full of pushchairs, bicycles and huge bums (thin people find it quicker to walk).
So if your loneliness is less of the spiritual sort and more of a down-to-earth physical kind of longing for the press of flesh on flesh, and if you're a daring person who isn't afraid of a few hard knocks on the 'dance floor', try a Brussels bus and your whole life could change. The entrance fee is only one euro 60 cents and there are reductions for addicts wanting a block booking.
La di da.

Betty Bras Rooted

2006-09-25T15:18:00.000+02:00

Today Betty talks to Guru about feeling at home

"I long for a home, because I never seem to fit in, " said Betty to Guru, who was sitting next to her on a bench.
"But you do!" said Guru.
"Well," said Betty, "I suppose fitting in means that you're rooted in some place or so, but I haven't felt that for a long time."
"Then," said Guru," then you'll have to go back in time and remember at what place you felt rooted."
"Hm," said Betty and went back in time with her mind. "I guess it was when I felt very connected and very inspired and very mystical and surrounded by good spirits..."
"It's a little much," said Guru. 'Why can't you say, I felt at the right place..."
"Because it wasn't really that I felt being at the right place," said Betty, "it was more a place of connection and inspiration"
"Betty baby, you make things very complicated..at what place did you feel rooted?"
"New York," answered Betty. "No no! Durango! No! Moscow. Paris!...when I had an affair and a job and.."
"Betty! you're not like UPS, located everywhere. Come on now, where was the best and real home?"
"The womb..." murmured Betty.
"Well, then follow it!..." grumped Guru, not understanding the complexity of it at all

Do you have a solution for the problem of not feeling at home, that lots of people have, please let Betty know at betty.bras@yahoo.co.uk or just comment on this posting.

SUPERBETTY

2006-09-23T14:15:00.000+02:00

"If you don't feel well," said Guru, "than just open your ears and listen. That's the first thing to do. Listen to your inner voice and to what it has to say."
"Hm," said Betty.
"Than," said Guru, "you got to act and try to embrace what's there, send out the positive and hope for the universe to return something good..."
"Aha," said Betty
"Than," said Guru wisely, "try to inspire yourself by thinking lightly and positive and that all things happen for the learning!"
"O dear", said Betty."Last night I dreamt that I was Superbetty. I ran out of a window, jumped on an airplane, crashed myself onto a few buildings and bumped into a few people. It seems to me, that what you're saying is like a dream. Being all light, inspired and positive so you'll go into a flying flow. My flying flow was scary and not so much to learn from."
Guru looked puzzled because he never had heard of a flying flow. "Betty," he said, " there is a flow, and you can fly. And that you're Superbetty anyway, that's something that no one else can do anything about.
"Hm," said Betty and felt very very shy, and than happy and than awkward. And than Super. It was a complex moment in the day

PERIWINKLE'S HANDY TIPS FOR MEETING PEOPLE

2006-09-20T12:45:00.000+02:00

Sometimes people want to meet other people. They think of many ways of doing this, like yoga, dance classes, singles clubs, meditation sessions and bars. This is a series of short tips from Professor Periwinkle on how and where to meet people.

TIP ONE: THE LAUNDERETTE

One underrated way of meeting people is to visit a launderette. They are very chatty places. Talking to people is almost unavoidable when the only alternative is to be hypnotised by watching your clothes go round. You can also see what other people wear, including socks and pyjamas, and you may get some good ideas for refreshing your choice of bed linen and tablecloths.
A launderette provides plenty of opportunity for teamwork. For instance, you can always ask someone to help you fold a sheet. This is quite normal and will not be regarded as unnaturally forward. If there's a mangle, it is quite in order to ask someone to help you keep your duvets and towels flat as they make their way into the mouth of the machine.
Though nothing guarantees a beautiful friendship or a romance, you could do worse than take your washing to a launderette. And at least if there's a flood it won't be in your own kitchen.
La di da.

BETTY and The Moneylorry

2006-09-19T12:18:00.000+02:00

Today Betty meets a Geriatrics Moneylorry

Betty: So your job is to entertain senior citizens?

GM: Yes, than they'll laugh and they'll give me all their money, clothing and wisdom

Betty: Wow

GM: I also collect money from other senior folks; like senior executives, senior managers and senior football players although the latter don't give much for my entertainment

Betty: How do you entertain them?

GM: By acting young and stupid

Inspiration Consult

2006-09-14T20:29:00.000+02:00

Today Betty gets a phone call from Mr. Mashimoto

Betty: Mr. Mashimoto! How are you?

Mr. Mashimoto: Ah, Bitty, Bitty I'm fine...Just came back from business travel!

Betty: How wonderful, was it a good trip?

Mr. Mashimoto: Ah haha! no tripping no no! Travel! hahaha funny girl

Betty: Did find some new clients?

Mr. Mashimoto: (secretive) I found new clients. Very boring.

Betty: Sorry? Boring?

Mr. Mashimoto: Yes, clients very unghappy people. They work, they eat, they make business but very unghappy people...it is difficult Bitty. They need inspiration!

Betty: What should we do?

Mr. Mashimoto: hahahaha nothing. Just make joke!

Betty: (sighs) But, maybe some training or something?

Mr. Mashimoto: No...no training. Just make joke, drink... like life. Joke!

Betty: I see. Well, it was just an idea. So, anything else happened?

Mr. Mashimoto: No! No! Nothing happened.

Betty: Yes.,..

Mr. Mashimoto: aaahh joke haha..yes bye bye!

Betty: Oops..all right then...Cheerio!

Mr. Mashimoto: wakari masda massi hai hai Bitty...(cough cough)

BETTY BRAS NEWSLETTER SEPTEMBER

2006-09-13T16:29:00.000+02:00

Today Betty Bras First Newsletter came out.
Betty thanks wonderful designer JQ!!
For newsletter send your e-mail to: betty.bras@yahoo.co.uk

PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE IN LONDON

2006-09-12T16:37:00.000+02:00

Professor Periwinkle sat on the embankment watching the boats go up and down the Thames. He could hear Big Ben chiming the quarters across the river and the murmur of trains crossing the bridge into Charing Cross station. The London Eye was collecting and depositing tourists to his left, while crowds of people sauntered by behind him on their way to the National Theatre.
However, to know this was England you had to forget all these place-names and observe three important things.
a). The people in the park behind PP, basking in 80 degrees fahrenheit, were wearing MORE clothes and DARKER clothes than the visitors walking by.
b). The lifebelts at the side of the river were a great opportunity to shine and become a celebrity. YOU COULD SAVE A LIFE, they said. You might even get a slot on Big Brother, they hinted.
c). The local freesheet was devoted to global warming and its profound impact on civilisation. This profound impact is:
i. English wine may eventually be drinkable.
ii. London bathrooms will be full of spiders in September.
So it's good news for oenophiles, bad news for arachnophobes.
La di da

BETTY BRAS GIFT SHOP

2006-09-10T21:33:00.000+02:00

INSPIRATION STATION

2006-09-09T14:44:00.000+02:00

"Well, " said Betty to herself today. "If it is not about the land and nature where you're living although it might help, that one can find total inner peace, and if it is not about sucking your friends and family empty for love, warmth and attention; than it probably is all inside of you. Just like the Buddhists say." (She spoke out loud, that crazy Betty)
"I will have to create it. My world. The vision, the values, the journey. Yes, I might even have some tales to tell!" Betty got excited. So she took herself up from the tree she was hanging around with and started her way, meanwhile ignoring the nervous glances of Seeking Woman and PP who just decided to make a good soup.
It had just rained and it was a beautiful morning

BETTY BIKE

2006-09-07T19:39:00.000+02:00

The problem of today was the matter of the bike. Did Betty need a bike or not? It was an expensive bike. She saw the vehicle at a bike store, where it just stood. Shiny, strong, healthy looking. A Giant Expression. Purple. Very spiritual looking too. But Betty could not be pursuaded to buy the Giant right away.
'Do the Belgians have Giant Expressions?'Betty wondered, thinking about Brussels where nobody seemed to express anything for bikes. But at least, there were two bikers that cycled around. Although, they probably were just poor people with no money for a car.
Maybe, Betty had another thought, I need a car first. In Brussels people need a car to be cool, fast and safe. I'll buy a bike later, AFTER I have bought a car.
But the Dutch Amsterdam bike loomed in the window and Betty, who did not exactly know what to loom meant, thought the Giant Expression bike really needed her.
"I'll buy the damn thing, she thought
No, I'll wait, she thought in the next moment.
No, I'll buy it and I'll place it next to my house so that I'll have it
No, I'll buy it AFTER I have bought a car
I'll buy both!
I'll go by train, with the bike on the train, to Brussels and than I'll bike to a car store."
There was no way out.
In the end Betty bought just a little train ticket. To get by.
The rest stayed unclear. TBD

PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE ON TEA

2006-09-06T11:05:00.000+02:00

When Professor Periwinkle heard about Betty's problems making tea, he felt very sympathetic.
"People argue about tea more than anything else except for religion," he said, "and sometimes even more. Tea drinkers divide up like religious sects. There's the Prelactarians who want the milk in first, and the Postlactarians who want the milk in last. They hate each other, of course, but sometimes they gang up together on the Antilactarians who say that milk spoils the taste of tea whenever it goes in."
And as with religion, so with tea, there's the ritual and the holy objects. The warming of the holy pot (tea bags are the unforgivable sin) before it's covered in the holy cosy, the rules of infusion (too many to mention, like a textbook of religious rules), proper pouring from the right height using a strainer, the use of a dainty little milk jug (hide it when Antilactarians visit) and sugar bowl (lumps preferred so that the sugar tongs can be shown off) and so on. What a kerfuffle.
But there's always a way out. Change of lifestyle. Coffee or fruit juice or fine wine. New departures. Positive thinking. An end to the nitpicking and the fanatics. La di da.

BETTY AND MUM AND DAD

2006-09-04T18:12:00.000+02:00

Today Betty visited her mum and dad in Durango. Mum was preoccupied with being ill. She was upstairs in the house, in bed. Dad was very preoccupied with making tea for mum, in the mean time grinding his teeth since mum had taken on the role of an English patient (in terms of tea)
"It's too hot, dad
It's too strong, dad
It's not strong enough dad
I need a cooky with that
I definitely need two cookies with that
Oh no...this tastes horrible
Oh no....this is like mud
No more...that's enough!!"
ENOUGH! said dad and ran downstairs with the last bit of tea in the teapot. "I'm not going to serve that woman anything again. I'm going to sleep in the garage and be cold."
And so he did.
Betty felt very bad for dad. "You want a cup of tea to be warm?" she asked. But dad had no interest. According to him, marriage was just a big hassle. But, you are married for 45 years, said Betty. You should know how to make her a cup of tea.
But dad shook his head. "SHE is married for 45 years," he said. "But I've kept single all my life"
And so it stayed.
Betty in the end made a nice little cup of tea for herself.
To keep warm

BETTY BUTTERFLY MUG

2006-09-01T20:06:00.000+02:00

BETTY FRINGE

2006-08-31T14:25:00.000+02:00

Betty went to Edinburgh to the FRINGE festival

It was fabulous. The festival, the theater, the artists and Seeking Woman, who joined Betty at the festival were fabulous. There was lots of comedy and laughter. There was also street theater (oh well street theater..) They saw Mette Lizby and Omar Marzouk with their show Cartoon Comedy, they saw FREAKS in THE BOX with two very crazy men from New York who did an acrobats act with interesting movements. They saw Shakespeares Toilets and Jessica directed by Peter Stein and they saw some other tales of horror at night. They slept at a hostel full of women of youth. They spent all their money on cappucino's and useless books about spiritituality (as if that would help to find your soulmate) and they sat down a lot with people from other cultures. You know. to be like that.
Are you bored? Organise a fringe festival. Www.edfringe.com
It is over though! Too bad!

Cheerio!

Betty

PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE VISITS MANNEKEN-PIS

2006-08-24T20:40:00.000+02:00

Professor Periwinkle was walking through Brussels when he saw a big crowd of people standing looking at a statue of a boy peeing.
"It's the most famous site in the city," he was told. "Look at the postcards in the shops. There are more pictures of Manneken-Pis than of anything else."
This set the professor thinking. After all, many cities are famous for funny things. London is famous for a big clock called Ben, Paris for a huge nineteenth-century tower that might never receive planning permission today, Berlin for a big gate and .... well, the list goes on.
But Brussels is famous for a pissing boy.
"It's not much to be famous for," said someone in the crowd. "I mean it's not great art like Michelangelo's David, and it's not a beautiful bridge like the Golden Gate at San Francisco or a wonderful design like Sydney Opera House. It's just a naughty little fountain.
"I think it's very human," said Periwinkle. "It's homely. I rather like it. It's good to be famous for ordinary things. Now if you'll excuse me, I rather need to find a loo."

The Manneken-Pis is open every day in all weathers unless it's very, very cold and the water freezes. Even then it's worth a visit if you like stalactites. There is no entrance fee.

BETTY READS ANNIE MAC BAIN

2006-08-24T16:34:00.000+02:00

Today Betty reads the wonderful detective thriller The Name of the Game, a third novel by Mark Corner a.k.a Professor Periwinkle, about lady detective Annie MacBain. This time the thrilling murder story is set in Egypt.

Are you interested? Check it out on this page: Books by Professor Periwinkle!
For fragments of this wonderful and exciting detective story go to
professorperiwinkle's blog

BETTY EMBRYO

2006-08-23T14:25:00.000+02:00

Today Betty confirms that the ear looks exactly like an embryo

"Gee," said Betty to Professor Periwinkle who stood somewhere in a corner
"A human ear looks exactly like a human embryo of a new baby to be!"

"Hm," said Professor Periwinkle after he thought for a while. "I have never seen an embryo in real life but I believe it doesn't have anything to do with ears."
"But the Japanese claim them to be related," said Betty
"It doesn't even have ears, the embryo," said Professor Periwinkle, "Tell that to the Japanese, and then see what they have to say!"
"Both have the same connection to the organs," protested Betty
"Sure," said Professor Periwinkle," the embryo is what the organs are- how can it NOT be connected to the organs?"
Betty sighed in confusion. "But the shape is the same,..."
"Well, if you curl up you look like an embryo" said Professor Perwinkle stubbornly. "And no one talks about that comparison...except for-"
"The Japanese?" asked Betty
But Professor Periwinkle didn't want to talk any more

BETTY GOOD MOVIE

2006-08-22T22:01:00.000+02:00

Today betty wanted to make a good movie

But it wasn't easy
It wasn't because people didn't have the right intentions...
No, it was more that nobody knew the right technique of how to do it...
Betty was sweating and struggling and hassling and fumbling and rumbling, if anybody remembers this action verb
but it didn't work
"Well," said Betty, sweeping her hair to the back "I have failed to make a good movie."
"Yeah well," said camera, "you should just remember that what's in your head isn't in the world and so it might not matter altogether.."
And althought Betty tried her best, she really didn't get what the hell camera was talking about

guru is back in service

2006-08-21T00:16:00.000+02:00

betty, how are you doing? i know this is not what i am supposed to be doing. personal issues. be well and yes you can create guru - i am not sure how to use this site at all. you know me a challenged technologist. hahaha.

guru

BETTY FRENCH FRIES

2006-08-19T20:40:00.000+02:00

Dear P.P

Thank you very much for your golden fries, I mean tips. I love french fries. I do.
I know all snackbars from Amsterdam, London, Brussels and New York. Although eating french fries
is still taboo, especially with Dutch mayonaise, I just admit that it is the only remedy to feel good!
The salty taste, the earthlike quality of potatoe, the soft taste of the mayo, one can just not find a better
combination.
Therefore I am planning to open a cafetaria soon, Betty Brasserie, with French Fries. And after the meal a
lovely Betty Brulee
Wouldn't that be a top meal?
All cheered up and energized again,

Yours cheerio

Betty

PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE'S PICK-ME-UP

2006-08-19T14:43:00.000+02:00

Professor Periwinkle was sorry to hear that Betty Bras had suffered Sudden Energy Loss. He thought the answer was a pick-me-up.
"Get yourself a nice packet of chips," he said. "Good thick ones like pieces of chalk. Add tartare sauce if you have to, or tomato sauce, or salt and vinegar (much nicer). Take the chips to a quiet place, like a deserted beach or a haunted house. Settle down, relax, stretch out your legs and enjoy your chips one by one."
"But would they be healthy?" asked Betty. "Wouldn't one of Seeking Woman's coloured soups be better for me?"
"I don't know," said PP. "I don't know what goes into Seeking Woman's soups, apart from colour."
"But thick french fries," said Betty, "overcooked in rancid animal fat and then dosed with unhealthy additives which mix with the carbohydrates to produce a deadly combination worse than cyanide that will probably kill me!" And Betty started to leap up and down in disgust at the thought.
"There you are," said Professor Periwinkle, "your Sudden Energy Loss has been suddenly lost. Even the thought of chips has done you good. Think how much better you'll feel when you've actually eaten some."

BETTY VERY TIRED

2006-08-17T15:15:00.000+02:00

"I'm so tired," said Betty, "that I can hardly stand. Nor walk. And the idea of talking appawls me"
"Why don't you take a cup of tea and watch something light," said Professor Periwinkle, "something that you can laugh at"
So Betty tried. It really worked. She laughed her head off and than she rested.
"Why don't you try my new soup," said Seeking Woman with a smile. And Betty tasted her soup. It tasted somewhat broccolian.
"THERE YOU GO!" said Seeking Woman enthusiastically when Betty clumsily tried to walk to a cupboard.
"Hey" shouted Cave Girl from within the cupboard. "Leave me alone!"
"I just came to lean a bit," protested Betty.
But Cave Girl wouldn't have it.
"La di Da" said Betty and forgot that she only had to be herself

Seeking Woman is back!

2006-08-16T22:06:00.000+02:00

Hey there you seeking and non-seeking people!

Seeking woman is back!

I have been doing and searching lots of things like canoeing in Sweden and heaps of yummie yoga exercises. I now truly believe that if everyone would do yoga, there would be world peace. But oh well, now I get to do a lot of searching and that is also very entertaining..

I'm working on Seeking Woman's soup recipies, soups that will color your day! First colour is limegreen, who can guess the ingredients? Professor Periwinkle, would it be ok if I tried one of my new coloured soups on you? (giggle)

Have to go,
Keep searching!

SW

BETTY BIRTHDAY

2006-08-16T20:42:00.000+02:00

Professor Periwinkle wished Betty Bras 'Happy Birthday' and gave her a present.
He told her to lean against a telephone box and press really hard with her left arm. 'Press, press, press' he said, and then 'press, press, press' (he is short of vocabulary for a professor). So she pressed.
'Now stand up straight and release your left arm,' he said, 'and watch it rise to a horizontal position without your doing anything.'
So Betty stood up straight and her right arm went horizontal.
'Oh!' said Professor Periwinkle, 'how odd. In fact, unique.'
'I am indeed a unique lady,' said Betty. 'But thank you for the present. I shall do it whenever the mood takes me, which it might do once or twice a decade. Does this mean I'll learn to fly one day?'
'I expect so,' said Professor Periwinkle. 'And then you'll know a very safe form of air travel. La di da.'

BETTY CELEBRATES HER BIRTHDAY

2006-08-15T22:32:00.000+02:00

Today Betty celebrates her Birthday

Betty: Happy birthday...to Betty, Happy Birthday...to Betty...

Lion: (bored) Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday, roar roar roar

Betty: Thank you

Lion: (roars) welcome. And now out of my territory!

Betty: Oops..cheerio!

P.S: Betty IS having her birthday. Cakes can be mailed to betty.bras@yahoo.co.uk

Cave Girl meets ojects

2006-08-14T10:17:00.000+02:00

Dear Betty,

I hadn’t seed any other people in a couple of days, and whenever that happens, the objects in my life start to take over the roles of friends.
One of my new friends was the coffeemaker. Naturally I have lots of contact with my coffeemaker, because I am not above creating tiny little cosy moments for myself.
Suddenly though, my coffeemaker started sighing. It was a very human sigh, something in between a moan and a sigh really, with a bronchitis-rattle in it as well. My coffeemaker sounded really, REALLY tired and very depressed.
Of course there was no way I could do anything about it. Tell it to get some sleep? It wouldn’t have understood me.
Strange thought: your only friends are objects that do not speak your language, and they get depressed in your presence anyway.

Well Betty, that’s all for now. Gotta sing some happy songs for my objects.
Cave Girl

BETTY BUTTERFLY

2006-08-13T19:26:00.000+02:00

Today Betty went into nature and felt excited

Betty: Hello nature, where are all the butterflies today?

Nature: (sighs) Oh, they're auditioning for a new tv commercial, butterflies are hot these days

Betty: Wow, so they're making it huh, just like the trees who get more and more asked for films and all that

Nature: (laughs) Yes we did have the numbers go up lately. The only problem is that the butterflies get paid much more money than the trees

Betty: O dear, they don't get paid the same amount of money for the same job?

Nature: Well, some of them do but other ones just can't put their foot down. They're too soft. They're not used to being assertive, they're coming from a life of standing around in the forest, you know

Betty: Terrible. Why don't we try to make them act more like butterflies

Nature: Cool. We'll give them a course in negotiating

Betty: And then we paint their leaves and make them fly

Nature: Great, and then we send them off

(silence)

Nature: They should pay us for this brilliant idea

Betty: Beautifully spoken Nature, you sound like a real capitalist

Nature: Thank you Betty. You're a natural yourself

Betty: So why don't you pay me, I came up with the idea first

Nature: BETTY!

Betty: Oops all right then...cheerio!

BAD BACK BLUES

2006-08-12T10:13:00.000+02:00

Professor Periwinkle had a bad back. So he went to the doctor who was very helpful and talked English to him in a lovely French accent.
She said he had to change his leaf steel and learn to walk in a relaxed way like soldiers on hashish.
He liked her very much but his back wasn't impressed and went on being grumpy. So he arranged to go to a yoga class on Saturday.
'It won't do you any good', said the back.
'What a nuisance you are,' said Periwinkle, 'all you do is connect my head to my middle.'
'That's your problem,' said the back, 'you value them but you don't value me.'
'Of course I value you,' said Periwinkle, 'you're essential, you're the backbone of my being. Without you I'd be a spineless worm.'
'Cheap flattery,' said the back.
'Oh dear,' said Periwinkle, 'you're in a very bad mood, aren't you. Perhaps you should go and live with someone else.'
'I will,' said the back. 'And then you'll look very stupid. And horrible. And people will look away from you on the trams and buses. And children will scream and cover their eyes.'
'Perhaps I'll look like a beautiful insect,' said the Professor.
'You'll look like a collection of body parts,' said the back.
'Oh dear,' said Professor Periwinkle, and made some tea while he still could.

Mr. Karmizovsky calls Betty

2006-08-11T15:49:00.000+02:00

Mr. Karmizovsky: Eh....Betti?

Betty: Yes?

Mr. Karmizovsky: About the eh...journaliszm,...it isz NOT art, you know that no...?

Betty: I know, how come?

Mr. Karmizovsky: No,...just trying to remindz you...

Betty: Oh...you are such a serious artist Mr. Karmizovsky

Mr. Karmizovsky: (coughs)...Thank you

BETTY MEETS A JOURNALIST

2006-08-11T14:45:00.000+02:00

Betty meets a journalist who doesn't know what's new

Betty: So, what's new?

Journalist: eh...old people died, epidemics, something with earthquakes, war eh...

Betty: That sounds very old to me...

Journalist: Weird. It is the news of today...

Betty: Well, why don't you write something HOT?

Journalist: Like what? I just hunted a minister about fraud, I mean, that's quite hot

Betty: Oh no, hot news is the awsome collaboration between BONO and his guitarist, the new APE TELEVISION channel in Ohio, beating CANCER by LOVE, the adventures of a young romantic woman in a red dress and her writers clan..Cave Girl alone at home..

Journalist: It's too new. People won't recognize it

Betty: I think you have no idea of what really interests the public

Journalist: Are you insulting me?

Betty: Yes, we are building up a BIG CONFLICT with lots of TENSION and a new WAR started just now, since all TRUST has been BROKEN just by these WRONG WORDS. BEWARE OF TOXIC INFLUENCES, YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER, THREATENED AND ABUSED, this could lead to...

Journalist: HELP! SCARY LANGUAGE!

Betty: Oops all right then...cheerio!

Betty and Woof

2006-08-10T10:19:00.000+02:00

Today Betty meets a dog

Betty: ooooh, I am in such need for a cuddle. Oh look! What a cute dog!

Dog: (wags his tail) Hi

Betty: Oh, you are SUCH a sweetheart. I wish I could take you home

Dog: You like me?

Betty: Oh yes, you ARE SO sweet yes, you ARE very very sweet, I would take you home and walk you every day...

Dog: and cry, and laugh with me. And feed me. And talk to me. And then yell...

Betty: I would NEVER yell at you, you are such a sweetheart. Come here, come here with the Betty

Dog: (comes over) You are very sure about all this Betty

Betty: (starts to cuddle him and stroke him) oh yes oh yes

Dog: Now watch yourself (sprints off)

Betty: Hey! Hey! Come here! HERE! HERE! You dog! Damn! You lousy bastard! Come over here! Jezus!

Dog: (running) I love human beings when they get heated up, it's one of the best things in life

Betty: HEY YOU! BLOODY DOG! COME HERE! COME HERE I TELL YOU!

PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE GETS WORRIED

2006-08-09T09:35:00.000+02:00

Professor Periwinkle got worried. He said:
"I like a degree of order in life. Tidy desk, regular routine, predictable pattern to life. Guru might say this was getting into a rut and not opening your mind to receive new experiences, but I'm not able to be a free spirit like Guru.

Clearly the world is not going to have order any more. July has already been the hottest on record, and now hairs are growing out of Cave Girls like tendrils. Surely this can only be due to global warming.

We know that jellyfish are attacking bathers in the Mediterranean because of the high temperature of the water -surely the hair, like the jellyfish, is just looking for cooler climes.

Before long the heat will make us all into Medusas, with live twisting snakes crawling all over our baked torsos as we swelter under the new regime. Soon we'll all be sprouting hair like grass in the forgotten spring. The only people to benefit will be hairdressers. They can charge for doing nipples as well as heads, noses, earlobes and all the other strange nooks and crannies which they offer to trim for a good price. If we were cats we'd lose hair and moult, but cats are clever creatures.

The most we can do is long for the autumn when the trees turn golden and the hairs stay happily tucked up under the skin."

When Professor Periwinkle had finished he felt less worried until the thought occurred that Cave Girl might be turning into a werewolf. Would this be worse than global warming or better? He decided it would be better. Werewolves couldn't possibly be more violent than humans, and they had a nice snarl.

'Grrrrh!' said Prfoessor Periwinkle, and made himself a cup of tea.

Hair

2006-08-04T12:06:00.000+02:00

Dear Betty,

Today I woke up only to find a giant hair sticking out of mijn right nipple. Freaked out, I tried to remove it, but to no avail.
This started me thinking as to WHY the hair had decided to surface on my nipple. (WHY?). Had it intended to grow in my armpit, and missed an exit somewhere? Was it sent here by my pubic hair to investigate? If only we could ASK our bodies what they are up to; that would make life so much less hellish.
The hair looked lonely, thereby perfectly matching my own mood.
After showering, the hair looked as if it was there to stay. A scary thought hit me. What if is was really a very long hair, that grew INSIDE my body, like, all over? Resurfacing in random spots? Maybe I am completely filled with hair. That would explain the weird thoughts I tend to have. My brain is too hairy.

Sigh.

Confused greetings, Betty. Keep the brain/body connection open!
Love,
CaveGirl

Mr. Karmizovsky marries

2006-08-01T12:58:00.000+02:00

Today Betty meets Mr. Karmizovsky who is hungry for love and art

"It is not that I do not love love," said Mr. Karmizovsky, " but I love my ART much more, I believe,.."
"But don't you want to marry someone?" asked Betty.
"I do," said Mr. Karmizovsky, "but I would not know how to express that to someone."
"With the same words you just uttered," said Betty wisely.
"Which words?" asked Mr. Karmizovsky somewhat foolishly.
"I do! I do!" repeated Betty impatiently.

But Mr. Karmizovsky could not imagine that those two simple words were enough. It sounded good, he thought when he repeated those simple words a few times. I DO, I DO, I DO. The rhythm and poetry suddenly really pleased him.
'I do like art better,' he thought after a few efforts; 'I DO...'
And this is how Mr. Karmizovsky stayed married to his art.

BETTY AND WEDDING

2006-07-30T21:45:00.000+02:00

Betty had a very exciting weekend. She went to a wedding and there were lots of teary moments as the couple were head over heels in love. Why is it then, Betty thought, that there is still a divorce rate of 50%? Every merry wedder has such good intentions! And such big love.
So Betty decided to look inside herself to find inner peace and big self love.
I love my hair, affirmed Betty, I have a beautiful hairmoment. I have beautiful hairmoments (because affirmations are always in the present tense). I have a wonderful relationship with Professor Periwinkle and also I enjoy intense moments of freedom and creativity. And once I have all that, I will be content and married.
But of course, this was a little mistake. Affirmations should always be in the present: I AM, I DO etc. Otherwise you keep thinking about the future and that is not what you want.
Therefore Betty will practise good affirmations this week. Starting with today.

I am blogging in perfect harmony (20 times)

Cheerio!

Betty

PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE'S QUIET WEEKEND

2006-07-30T11:34:00.000+02:00

Professor Periwinkle thought he'd better write something, but he didn't know what to write about.
"That's ridiculous," said Guru. "write about what happened to you."
"Nothing happened," said Professor Periwinkle, "I had a quiet weekend."
"There you are," said Guru, "Write about that."
"It's all right for you," said PP, "You can meditate. People who can meditate can be interested in a blade of grass or a toenail. They can look on amazed while paint dries or a flower opens. They know how to appreciate the little things."
"That's not really what meditation is about," said Guru.
"Oh all right," said Periwinkle. "I'm just guessing, really."
"Keep guessing," said Guru. "And write about your quiet weekend."
"I think the most interesting thing about it was the trip to supermarket," said Periwinkle. "I have a little scanner to read all the bar codes and then I don't have to queue for so long. For some reason the scanner can't read the bar codes of baked potatoes. I've no idea why that is. I thought of asking at the checkout desk, but I didn't want to make the people behind me wait too long. They might not be as interested in the subject as me."
"Oh dear," said Guru. "Fears of other people and of giving offence, negative feelings of embarrassment and a failure to share your interests with others. This story of the baked potato saddens me. We'll have to do something about you, Periwinkle. You just can't be yourself in this world."
"Thank you for your criticism," said PP, "It makes me feel my weekend was of some interest after all."
"You know," said Guru, "we need Betty Bras."
"La di da," said Professor Periwinkle.

PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE GOES ATOMIC

2006-07-27T21:53:00.000+02:00

Professor Periwinkle decided to go to the Atomium.

The Atomium is a giant molecule. It is an iron crystal molecule magnified 165 billion times. That means you can go up and down stairs and escalators inside it and visit exhibits inside each part of the molecule. Actually the exhibits are not very exciting - they are mostly pictures of the Atomium itself and how it was made. It's all very self-referential. But Professor Periwinke tried to be excited. It's the microworld, he said to himself.

From the top of the Atomium you can look down at the city. Among the things you can see is a scale model of all the main buildings of Europe. Britain is represented by Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament. Every country is represented by something, so it's very fair. At the corner of the exhibition there's a notice saying 'The Spirit of Europe', looking rather shabby.

Once Professor Periwinkle had seen a molecule made very, very big, and then Big Ben made very, very small, he began to feel very, very confused. "It's like Alice in Wonderland," he said to himself. "Everything getting bigger or smaller, and nothing the proper size any more."

It was at moments like these that he needed to steady himself, so he thought of Betty Bras and Seeking Woman and all the other steadying influences in his life. Then he felt better and caught the tram home. It was just the right size.

BETTY RETURNS

2006-07-27T20:59:00.000+02:00

HI

I'm writing you for the first time in a week because somehow I fell asleep last week and could not wake up. I think I was very very tired and actually needed a little holiday. Of course, I lost some weight since I did not eat. I also did not drink a lot so when I woke up, just now on the couch, I felt a little bit like a dry baguette. A little French even.
The most wonderful thing is that I did not go anywhere to experience new adventures. I just dreamt and it was WONDERFUL. i saw a beautiful dark tanned diving instructor with lovely wite teeth and blue eyes. It was marvelous to see him again. Again, because I met him before of course in real life...well anyway, in your dreams EVERYTHING is possible.
I did a few balloon flights, some wonderful baseball playing, some singing in swool piano bars. really, I had the best time.
Now I am back and am ready to blog. And thank God PW and Seeking Woman, you really made something happen on the site.
I love you guys for that.

Now remember, LOVE is the most important matter and substance. If you feel ill or sick or bad or depressed, remember to get a little bit of LOVE and it will cure you no matter what pain you're having.

I read wonderful little poems on love and it totally jumped on me, that little pink cloud. Good for the wrinkles to! (PW, pay attention)

So, I'm back and all my LOVE to you

Betty

Seeking Woman on Organic Food

2006-07-26T14:20:00.000+02:00

Hey there Betty,

How are you doing my sweet little ladybug? I've been away for quite some time looking for new forms of life in Sweden, while canoeing on the lakes. Hope you didn't think I was lost? (this is a joke!) Has PW asked about me? Oops, I feel a giggle coming up, better swallow it quickly!

I'm writing you because I met this wonderful Yoga teacher in Sweden who taught me all about organic food. We even did meditations on it!

So Betty, you and me, and PW and all your other friends should NEVER eat processed foods or chemical additives or white sugar anymore. NEVER! Do you hear me? It's very important, not only for our current life! Only buy food at your local fair trade biological organic and super friendly food store, ok?

Yours truly,
Seeking Woman

p.s. if you ever eat something disgusting like chocolate brownies or cheap vanilla ice cream, remember this: do not punish yourself, but enjoy it as much as you can and just move on! Life is there to be lived!

PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE AT THE BEACH

2006-07-22T09:02:00.000+02:00

Professor Periwinkle went to the beach.

Hw walked along the promenade looking at all the little beach huts on the sand. They were divided into plots like garden allotments, each with differently coloured deck chairs and names like Jan, Michele and Bo. Bo was a tropical area because it had plastic palm trees. Michele had stripey blue deckchairs but Jan had stripey red ones.

Periwinkle lay down with a towel over his head, using his shirt as a pillow and a white ground sheet to avoid the sand. Within an hour and a half he was burnt. So he walked down to the water and paddled for a while, watching the lifeguard a hundred yards away perched on a high structure looking like the umpire's chair at Wimbledeon.

A man next to him started waving his arms about as if he was drowning, but he was only exercising. The lifeguard didn't move anyway. Perhaps it wasn't a real lifeguard, but something more like a scarecrow. Or a comfortcrow, because scarecrows drive you away while this figure was meant to make you gather round and plunge confidently into the Channel. If you swam for miles and miles you could then get to England and be sent back for having no passport.

Periwinkle walked back to the tram past some very fine beach villas with names like Astoria and Cosy Nook. Then he bought an ice cream. He looked around for Seeking Woman but she wasn't there, so he went La di da and home, in that order.

BETTY BEACH

2006-07-20T19:26:00.000+02:00

Today Betty feels very holiday-ish and talks to a beachball

Betty: Hi ball

Ball: Hi Betty

Betty: How is beach life?

Ball: Oh, you know, getting kicked around is always a little unpleasurable

Betty: yeah.

Ball: But I'm having a ball anyway Betty, because I'm very zen

Betty: Really?

Ball: Everytime they throw me in the air I get great ideas and every time I fall on the floor I feel grounded

Betty: You're a buddha ball

Ball: Now i got to go, I got a few shoes to catch

Betty: All right then...cheerio!

PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE MEETS GENIE

2006-07-18T14:29:00.000+02:00

Professor Periwinkle was rubbing his glasses one day when there was a whoosh and a puff of smoke and then there was Genie

'Gosh,' said Professor Periwinkle.

'Didn't you rub your lamp and say Abracadabra?' said Genie.

'No,' said Professor Periwinkle. 'I was just rubbing my specs.'

'Same difference,' said Genie. 'I'm here now anyway and your wish is my command. You can have anything."

'Oooh.' said Professor Periwinkle.

'A mansion, a Ferrari, a tropical island. Just name it.'

'Oooh,' repeated Professor Periwinkle, 'in that case I'd like a good Czech-English dictionary.'

'Oh,' said Genie, a little disappointed. 'Is that all?'

'I expect it's a challenge in its own little way,' said Professor Periwinkle.

So Genie created a dictionary.

'Thank you,' said Professor Periwinkle. 'It's good and fat and in several volumes.'

'It'll be hard to get home,' said Genie. 'What about that Ferrari to transport it to your study in style?'

'Oh no,' said Professor Periwinkle. 'But if you could create a bus ticket....'

'A bus ticket!' said Genie, even more disappointed.

'Thank you,' said Professor Periwinkle. 'Will you come again?"

'I don't know,' said Genie. 'Perhaps I've got more important clients. But you have three wishes, Professor. What will your final one be? Your own private beach?'

'I wonder if you could possibly give me a new left lens in my glasses,' said Professor Periwinkle, 'the present one is a little scratched.'

So Genie made him a new lens.

'I'm off now,' said Genie, 'I've got a client who wants a spaceship the size of a passenger liner and a huge suite of rooms for himself and his harem.'

'Oh dear,' said Professor Periwinkle.

'Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime. You have to bite the bullet and grasp the nettle and...what's the other phrase?'

'Take the bull by the horns', said Professor Periwinkle. 'And there are several more.'

'Exactly. Well, there we are. I guess some people are underachievers, Professor.'

'I guess they are,' said Professor Periwinkle. 'You'd never catch me going into outer space without a good set of glasses, a proper ticket and plenty of dictionaries. You never know what they might speak up there.'

'Weird' said Genie, and disappeared in another puff of amoke.

BETTY CALLS

2006-07-18T09:43:00.000+02:00

Today Betty makes a phone call to GURU

Betty: Hello!!

Guru: (very far away) hello

Betty: Guru can you hear me? hello?

Guru: Hello? Is that you Betty?

Betty: Do you feel downish?

Guru: I do, I'm at level 0 here

Betty: Is there possibility get you more uppish?

Guru: Am not sure, it's very dark today

Betty: Where are you?

Guru: Well, in the basement of course

Today's earthshake: friends who feel low, sound low and often feel very far away...Let's call them today

BETTY FEELS TORN

2006-07-17T13:30:00.000+02:00

When you feel split you need to sit down and close your eyes. Then you listen to all the sounds: your breath, the sounds outside, the sounds of your room. Sometimes you might hear the giggling of your glasses somewhere. But don't pay attention! Just focus on the sounds and try not to get distracted. When you then open your eyes, and see everything, try not to look at anything specific, just look. This combination will stop your thoughts; you'll feel whole again (10 min)

ANY THOUGHTS ON THIS? MAIL BETTY

BETTY DREAMS

2006-07-16T10:32:00.000+02:00

This night Betty had a wild dream and goes into analysis with Spiritual Woman

Betty: So I am in this little city and I keep telling someone that I am going to be a banker

Spiritual woman: How did you move around?

Betty: I drove a red Ferrari

Spiritual woman: (greedy) a Ferrari? ooh, it brings good fortune Betty, sometimes soon you'll get that Ferrari, for free!

Betty: Really? How exciting, and it will be so sexy!!

Spiritual woman: I know, and everybody will want to be your friend.... (serious) But now Betty, there is still a lot of gossip and negative energy around you; for 500$ I can sell you spiritual oil which will cleanse your spirit and soul

Betty: 500$?!!!

Spiritual Woman: I was just kidding, 500$ AND that Ferrari

Betty: Okay, how about a crop of lettuce as well?

Spiritual Woman: I'm allergic to lettuce, I prefer something sweet

Betty: Chocolate?

Spiritual Woman: That's fine. So that's a Ferrari, a chocolate bar and 500$

Betty: And a shake maker

Spiritual Woman: A shake maker?

Betty: Yes, for daily shakes. And a plastic bag. And a roof top. That's all I have really

Spiritual Woman: A plastic bag?

Betty: To put it all into

Spiritual Woman: Ah yes, but...I'm against plastic, it should be hand knitted..the environment you know ..

Betty: What about the roof top? It is made of all natural materials

Spiritual Woman: Eh..I don't know..

Betty: Why don't I just bring it and you can decide later if you want it. So that's a nice handknitted bag then with a roof top a shake maker and a chocolate bar in it

Spiritual Woman: That sounds good

Betty: Great, it's a deal

Spiritual Woman: Wait, what about my Ferrari?

Betty: Well, I'm afraid it wouldn't fit, it's handknitted you see, delicate bag

Spiritual Woman: Oh I understand....how about a very small one?

Betty: Well, if you want to drive with your knees above the steering wheel...it's very unhandy

Spiritual Woman: Oh, I see...What about the 500 dollars? Would they fit?

Betty: I...don't think so. The roof top you know, takes a lot of space

Spiritual Woman: Right....right...

Betty: So, why don't you keep dreaming here a little while I get the stuff...

Spiritual Woman: Yes, well... that's what I do anyway

Betty: Right. So dream on then...

Spiritual Woman: Betty, that didn't sound very polite!

Betty: Ooops sorry...allright then... Cheerio!

PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE NAMES A FROG

2006-07-14T20:35:00.000+02:00

'I've had a quiet week,' said Professor Periwinkle. He was talking to Guru.
'I've had a quiet week too,' said Guru, 'but that's OK. Quiet weeks are a time just to be.'
'Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer,' said Professor Periwinkle.
'Sure thing, Man' said Guru. 'Like my frog?'
'Oh yes,' said the professor, noticing it for the first time. 'What's its name?'
'It has no name,' said Guru. 'It's an independent frog. No name, no master.'
'How did you meet?'
'I was lying down one day, just being. It hopped along and ... we stayed in touch,' said Guru a little mysteriously.
'Do you go round together a lot?'
'Now and then. Here and there. Ours is a very easy come, easy go relationship' said Guru. And as if to illustrate how easy go it was, the frog hopped off and disappeared.
'It'll be back,' said Guru.
'That's nice,' said Professor Periwinkle. 'Still, I think you ought to call a good friend something better than 'it'. What about Freddie?'
'A Guru couldn't possibly have a frog called Freddie,' said Guru. 'Besides, I don't have a name. I'm just Guru. So why can't it just be called Frog?'
'You mean like Seeking Woman being called Seeking Woman?' asked Professor Periwinkle.
'I don't know,' said Guru. 'You'd then have to call it something like Hopping Amphibian. And I don't think it would like that. Too much of a mouthful.'
'Well Betty Bras is a proper name,' said Professor Periwinkle. 'And I always take my lead from Betty. So we must find a proper name for the frog. I think Alcibiades.'
'Perhaps,' said Guru. 'It certainly looks like an Alcibiades.'
'I'm sure it will like it,' said Professor Periwinkle. 'Well then, it may have been a quiet week, but at least I've managed to name a frog. And I didn't even call it La di da'

BETTY BRAS MISS YOU CARD

2006-07-14T19:16:00.000+02:00

LOVE THIS CARD? SEND IT TO YOUR LOVED ONE

BETTY AND TV GAME

2006-07-13T17:37:00.000+02:00

TODAY Betty presents a tv-show called: Guess the Island, and Silent Corner rings her from his home

Betty: So...do you know the name of the island we are looking for? Just call 0400- 877 and win 2500 EURO and a trip!

(silence)

Betty: 2500 EURO, just calll... you know what, I will help you a little: the first letter is an A- it IS a little difficult indeed

(silence)

Betty: Now, come on now, are you watching this TV program and you don't know the answer? The second letter is an R

(ring ring)

Betty: Woopi! The first candidate on the line. Hello this is Betty, who is calling?

Silent Corner: It's Silent Corner and the name of the island is ARgentina

Betty: Silent Corner? How come you are watching TV?

Silent Corner: Well, the TV is just around the corner and I heard your voice saying anybody could call so...

Betty: FANTASTIC!! but the answer is not right! Too bad.. The third letter is a U

Silent Corner: Eh...Arumenia?

Betty: Almost! The fourth is a B...-I know it is very difficult

Silent Corner: Darn, my geography is not very good. Wait, I know, it's Aruba!

Betty: Congratulations! Aruba indeed! You've won 2500 EURO and a trip to Belgium!

Silent Corner: But I AM in Belgium

Betty: Cool! So we won't need to send you off to a trip then!

Silent Corner: But I've won...

Betty: I know. It IS silly, but the game was really difficult wasn't it

Silent Corner: Just because I could not see the screen

Betty: So next time when you call, we will turn the TV so you can see the whole word

Silent Corner: Well, it doesn't really matter, you can still win.. Betty, is this your new career? I feel you're going down hill

Betty: Oops...All right then...cheerio!

BETTY ANALYZES A HORSE

2006-07-12T08:20:00.000+02:00

Today Betty meets a horse

Horse: I'm dead

Betty: You're dead: where exactly do you feel that in your body?

Horse: Especially in my hoofs. They feel heavy and big. And lifeless

Betty: Now, when you go deeper into that feeling of those lifeless hoofs, what other images or feelings come up?

Horse: I see the image of a weak and clumsy body, it's a male

Betty: Is this body familiar to you?

Horse: It's Mr. Grunfeld's body

Betty: And what feeling comes up when you think of Mr. Grunfeld?

Horse: I get a very sick and pressing feeling in my stomach and I need to vomit

Betty: Now, what exactly does he do that make you feel that way?

Horse: He is a bad horseman. He can't lead me, he pulls the reins like a mad man and he yells and whips like a clown

Betty: Now accept that feeling

Horse: (breathes deep, coughs, then vomits) oaaaaaaah

Betty: Now that's good, how does that feel?

Horse: I feel liberated! Now I would like to run freely through the fields, with the other guys! No leader! I am my own!

Betty: Great! Congratulations! You have discovered your own free will again!

Horse: Thank you Betty, sometimes women get all hysterical, run through the fields with me, and wave their arms while yelling, but you are a real cool girl

Betty: Oh..hehehe

Horse: Now open your arms Betty, here is 600 kgs of true devotion for you! I am gonna jump

Betty: But...you are 600 kgs!

Horse: But I want to whisper things to you Betty, and put my heart next to yours

Betty: Oops...alll right then....cheerio!

SHINE ON YOU CRAZY PERIWINKLE

2006-07-12T07:47:00.000+02:00

"You had something to tell me, Guru" said Professor Periwinkle. "About blowing my mind."

"I can't today," said Guru. "Syd Barrett is dead. And he was one of my gurus."

"Oh dear," said Professor Periwinkle.

"Pink Floyd. Psychedelic Revolution. Wish you were here. Shine on you crazy diamond," said Guru.

"'Shine on you crazy diamond'," said Professor Periwinkle. "I like that."

"Those crazy sixties," said Guru.

"The 1660s were crazy too," said Periwinkle. "'...that milky way, which nightly as a circling zone thou seest, powdered with stars'. Milton's Paradise Lost. Came out 1667, when I was just discovering sex.

"'Powdered with stars' Syd would like that. Lots of 'make love not war' in Milton, is there?"

"Well there's 'So Heavenly love shall outdo hellish hate", said Periwinkle.

"Did you say you discovered sex?" asked Guru.

"Well, I caught a glimpse of it," said Professor Periwinkle. "Crazy time, you know. All that bawdy Restoration comedy. Royal affairs. Nell Gwyn. Fires and plagues. Live now, pay later. Know what I mean, man?"

"I didn't know there was lots of sex in the 1660s," said Guru.

"Pots of it," said Periwinkle. "the toothbrush had just been invented. Did quite as much for sex as the pill three hundred years later."

"Periwinkle," said Guru, "I think you're a little mad."

"Not mad. Just crazy," said Periwinkle. "La di da"

BETTY FREESTYLE

2006-07-11T10:07:00.000+02:00

Today Betty met Mr. Grunfeld who fell off his horse

Mr. Grunfeld: That damn horse, I was just whispering some words to him and then he threw me off his back!

Betty: O dear, did that hurt?

Mr. Grunfeld: No no, heheh, it didn't hurt

Betty: But you look a little bit scratched

Mr. Grunfeld: Well, that's just because I haven't shaved, so I'm alright (oops heheh little dizzy still)

Betty: So, what exactly happened....

Mr. Grunfeld: Well, I was just telling him that I was planning to buy this ranch and-

Betty: And then he started to go wild?

Mr. Grunfeld: Yes for no reason...the bloody bastard just shook me off!

Betty: (deep voice) It's not true is it, Mr. Grunfeld. Are we lying to Betty? Isn't it true that you've never whispered anything, but that you tried to make the horse jump very high and that when he didn't perform well, you started to whip him to hide your own insecurity? Isn't that true Mr. Grunfeld?

Mr. Grunfeld: No that's not true...hehehe

Betty: Isn't it true that you have never taken a single horse riding lesson in your life, Mr. Grunfeld?

Mr. Grunfeld: hhehehe..no that's not true

Betty: And isn't it true that...when you took a lesson..

Mr.Grunfeld: No no, that is not true...Betty!

Betty: Yes it is-

Mr. Grunfeld: No no, I've stopped seeing her...the horse riding instructor- and my wife knows about it

Betty: You had an affair?

Mr. Grunfeld: Yeah, well...very briefly. I only met her a few times...in the Scottish Highlands when we celebrated my wife's birthday

Betty: Oh! So you DID have some lessons then? And you can't ride?

Mr. Grunfeld: Go away Betty! You make me reveal everything about myself

Betty: Oops all right then...cheerio!

PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE AND THE SIXTIES

2006-07-10T17:58:00.000+02:00

"Do you remember the sixties?" Guru asked Professor Periwinkle.

"Oh yes," said Periwinkle, "a great time."

"There you are!" said Guru.

"The Great Reform Bill, Queen Victoria...."

"Not the 1860s!" said Guru.

"Oh. Well then, let me see....yes, a time of freedom and hope!"

"That's it," said Guru.

"A time when those great revolutionaries were preparing to bring down tyrants and Kings in France and America...."

"Not the 1760s!" said Guru.

"Oh," said Professor Periwinkle, "well then, I'm only just old enough to remember. There was a great plague, and then a great fire, and then the Dutch sailed up the Thames and sank the King Charles II."

"Clever people, those Dutch," said Guru. "But I was talking about the 1960s."

"Oh," said Periwinkle. "I was a bit old by then. They sort of slipped me by."

"That's your problem," said Guru. "You've never picked up on the 1960s. Flower power. Make love not war. Turn on, tune in and drop out. Didn't you ever drop out?"

"Not really," said Professor Periwinkle, "I sort of dropped off instead."

"Just as I thought," said Guru. "You've had plenty of things to fill your mind and nothing to blow it."

"Well, what do you recommend?" said Professor Periwinkle.

"I'll tell you next time," said Guru, and was gone.

BettyBras (see:www.bettybras.com)

CLICK ON THIS PICTURE FOR A SONG

Betty wants something

PP: "I don't think I understand what you really want" BETTY: " What all christmas trees want Professor"

BB plays Santa Claus at night

BETTY: A man should always remember to darn his socks!

PP and BB in a sleigh

BB: "Isn't this just so inspiring, Professor?"PP: " I think I'm getting sleigh-sick"

CLICK ON THIS PICTURE FOR A SONG

Betty: Well? Don't you like it? It will teach you positive thinking.Professor: I'm afraid I might lose it.

PP gives a present

Betty: "Thank you so much, Professor." Professor: " I didn't want to get you something you already had, Betty."

Betty brings a Mistletoe

Betty: "At Christmas you can kiss someone underneath a sprig of mistletoe.." PP: "All right. I'll hold the mistletoe. Who are you going to kiss?"

PP is Santa Claus 2007

Betty: "It's easy. You say Ho! Ho! Ho! and lots of children come to you for presents." PP: "Ho! Ho! Ho!" Betty: "Of course as any actor great knows, it depends how you say it."

PP prepares for christmas

Betty: "You put a Christmas stocking at the bottom of your bed..."PP: "I haven't got a stocking."Betty: "And then Santa comes down the chimney..."PP: "I haven't got a chimney."Betty: "Professor, the best present you could receive is some positive thinking"

BETTY GETS SUSPICIOUS

"It wasn't me Betty!"

BETTY SEEKS TRUE LOVE

Betty: eccentric lonely heart seeks robust violin to play along with..Violin: "no strings attached"

BETTY RAW FOOD

PP: really everything raw? no tea no soup? Betty: You have no inner peace professor

BETTY AND PUSSYCAT

Betty: "Is that the way you pull toms?" Cat: "I learned this method from Paris Hilton!"

BETTY DOES YOGA

Guru: "And, do we remember how we got into this position?" Betty: "I'd rather know how to get out of it!"

BETTY DISCUSSES MODERN TECHNOLOGY

Betty: " Old sweaters, old shoes, old books. Don't you like anything that's new? PP: "Oh yes. I've taken a liking to the typewriter."

PP is at it again

"There are always things that one cannot really talk about.."

PP's war against meaningless mobile phoning

STRANGE EVENTS

BETTY GETS INSIDE

BETTY TALKS PP INTO HOUSEHOLD MATTERS

"Just think about all those poor rich people, who'll never know what a pleasure it is to dustclean together!"

Betty and Babel

BETTY COMES HOME AFTER DAY OF CLEANING

THE CLEANER FROM HELL

Betty applies for a job

WANTED: CLEANING SOMEONE (EFFICIENT)MUST LOVE PHILOSOPHY Applications received etween 4pm and 4.10pm

Betty's Poetry Service

THE ART OF GETTING FAMOUS: RULE 9

BOTTICELLI AND THE BEARD

BETTY GETS SECURE

BETTY GETS SECURE

PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE LOSES SOME BEARD

BETTY WAITS FOR A REPLY

BETTY WRITES AN E-MAIL TO PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE

BETTY AND PP

BETTY'S TIP FOR SUCCESS RULE VII: BE CRAZY

A DOG - THE KEY TO SOCIAL SUCCESS

BETTY'S TIP FOR SUCCESS RULE VI: DRIVE WITH YOUR HEART

BETTY'S TIP FOR SUCCESS RULE V: KISS WITH FLAIR

PERIWINKLING TO POPULARITY

BETTY'S TIP FOR SUCCESS RULE IV: CHANGE YOUR MIND

MEETING PEOPLE THROUGH UNUSUAL HOBBIES

Seeking Woman's secret

BETTY'S TIP FOR SUCCESS RULE III

ANOTHER HANDY TIP ON HOW TO MEET PEOPLE

BETTY'S TIPS FOR SUCCESS II

BETTY'S TIPS FOR SUCCESS

ANOTHER HANDY TIP FROM PROFESSOR P

Betty Bras Rooted

SUPERBETTY

PERIWINKLE'S HANDY TIPS FOR MEETING PEOPLE

BETTY and The Moneylorry

Inspiration Consult

BETTY BRAS NEWSLETTER SEPTEMBER

PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE IN LONDON

BETTY BRAS GIFT SHOP

INSPIRATION STATION

BETTY BIKE

PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE ON TEA

BETTY AND MUM AND DAD

BETTY BUTTERFLY MUG

BETTY FRINGE

PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE VISITS MANNEKEN-PIS

BETTY READS ANNIE MAC BAIN

PP: "I don't think I understand what you really want"
BETTY: " What all christmas trees want Professor"

BB: "Isn't this just so inspiring, Professor?"
PP: " I think I'm getting sleigh-sick"

Betty: Well? Don't you like it? It will teach you positive thinking.
Professor: I'm afraid I might lose it.

Betty: "Thank you so much, Professor."
Professor: " I didn't want to get you something you already had, Betty."

Betty: "At Christmas you can kiss someone underneath a sprig of mistletoe.."
PP: "All right. I'll hold the mistletoe. Who are you going to kiss?"

Betty: "It's easy. You say Ho! Ho! Ho! and lots of children come to you for presents."
PP: "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
Betty: "Of course as any actor great knows, it depends how you say it."

Betty: "You put a Christmas stocking at the bottom of your bed..."
PP: "I haven't got a stocking."
Betty: "And then Santa comes down the chimney..."
PP: "I haven't got a chimney."
Betty: "Professor, the best present you could receive is some positive thinking"

Betty: eccentric lonely heart seeks robust violin to play along with..
Violin: "no strings attached"

PP: really everything raw? no tea no soup?
Betty: You have no inner peace professor

Betty: "Is that the way you pull toms?"
Cat: "I learned this method from Paris Hilton!"

Guru: "And, do we remember how we got into this position?"
Betty: "I'd rather know how to get out of it!"

Betty: " Old sweaters, old shoes, old books. Don't you like anything that's new?
PP: "Oh yes. I've taken a liking to the typewriter."

WANTED: CLEANING SOMEONE (EFFICIENT)
MUST LOVE PHILOSOPHY
Applications received etween 4pm and 4.10pm