BettyBras (see:www.bettybras.com)

Cartoons of hot reporter and agony aunt Betty Bras www.bettybras.com. All your questions answered for free!!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

CLICK ON THIS PICTURE FOR A SONG




Betty wants something


PP: "I don't think I understand what you really want"
BETTY: " What all christmas trees want Professor"

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

BB plays Santa Claus at night


BETTY: A man should always remember to darn his socks!

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

PP and BB in a sleigh


BB: "Isn't this just so inspiring, Professor?"
PP: " I think I'm getting sleigh-sick"

Sunday, December 17, 2006

CLICK ON THIS PICTURE FOR A SONG





Betty: Well? Don't you like it? It will teach you positive thinking.
Professor: I'm afraid I might lose it.

Friday, December 15, 2006

PP gives a present



Betty: "Thank you so much, Professor."
Professor: " I didn't want to get you something you already had, Betty."

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Betty brings a Mistletoe


Betty: "At Christmas you can kiss someone underneath a sprig of mistletoe.."
PP: "All right. I'll hold the mistletoe. Who are you going to kiss?"

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

PP is Santa Claus 2007



Betty: "It's easy. You say Ho! Ho! Ho! and lots of children come to you for presents."
PP: "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
Betty: "Of course as any actor great knows, it depends how you say it."

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

PP prepares for christmas

Betty: "You put a Christmas stocking at the bottom of your bed..."
PP: "I haven't got a stocking."
Betty: "And then Santa comes down the chimney..."
PP: "I haven't got a chimney."
Betty: "Professor, the best present you could receive is some positive thinking"

Monday, December 11, 2006

BETTY GETS SUSPICIOUS


"It wasn't me Betty!"

Friday, December 08, 2006

BETTY SEEKS TRUE LOVE


Betty: eccentric lonely heart seeks robust violin to play along with..
Violin: "no strings attached"

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

BETTY RAW FOOD

0

PP: really everything raw? no tea no soup?
Betty: You have no inner peace professor

BETTY AND PUSSYCAT


Betty: "Is that the way you pull toms?"
Cat: "I learned this method from Paris Hilton!"

Sunday, December 03, 2006

BETTY DOES YOGA


Guru: "And, do we remember how we got into this position?"
Betty: "I'd rather know how to get out of it!"

Saturday, December 02, 2006

BETTY DISCUSSES MODERN TECHNOLOGY


Betty: " Old sweaters, old shoes, old books. Don't you like anything that's new?
PP: "Oh yes. I've taken a liking to the typewriter."

Friday, December 01, 2006

PP is at it again


"There are always things that one cannot really talk about.."

Thursday, November 30, 2006

PP's war against meaningless mobile phoning

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

STRANGE EVENTS


Hallo everyone,
I must say that some very strange things have been happening to me since that Betty Bras started cleaning.
For one thing, one or two articles have gone missing. I don't mean valuables or money or anything like that. But my mosquito net has disappeared. I always keep it under the pillow at night in case global warming brings the little monsters to Belgium. You know what they're like - they buzz around your ears and then they torment you with their bloodsucking ways. Like tiny little vampires. So you can't be too careful. Others keep a revolver or a knife for protection under the pillow - I keep a mosquito net. Now I'm totally defenceless. How could she do this to me?
Another thing. She doesn't understand that I like to wear socks of different colours. I leave a pair out in the morning, ready to wear the next day (I never leave things like that till the evening), and then she comes and tidies them away because they're odd socks. Well, they might be odd to her, but to me they're a pair. Opposites attract. Doesn't she know that? My red sock and my yellow sock are partners - but she's separated them and forced them to mix only with socks of their own kind. Lacks liberal values, does that Betty Bras.
And the final peculiar thing that happened. When I met Angelica the other day (Aunt Angelica is 99 and hasn't ever shown signs of mental weakness), she was dressed in purple! I asked her if she'd been made a cardinal (though I knew that you had to be under 80 for this privilege, and besides Aunt Angelica is a Zen Buddhist)and she said 'I did it to please you'. 'Please me? But Auntie, you look like a plum'. She was not happy at this remark, and wouldn't speak to me for at least an hour.
You know, I can't help thinking that there's a conspiracy of some kind here. Strange things are happening, and one way or another I'm sure they can be traced back to that Betty Bras. Sometimes I think it would be better not to have a cleaner at all, but then again Guru says a bit of disruption never does anyone any harm, and in my case it could even do some good. So....la da di. di la la. da li la. Oh dear!

BETTY GETS INSIDE



"Thank you for letting me in professor, I'll be your finest employee; motivated, loyal and with a sharp eye for what is really needed"

Monday, November 27, 2006

BETTY TALKS PP INTO HOUSEHOLD MATTERS



"Just think about all those poor rich people, who'll never know what a pleasure it is to dustclean together!"

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Betty and Babel


Today betty wanted to make a good movie

Yesterday Betty saw Babel. She thought it was an amazing film but it did give a little bit reason to cry. It is always good to cry of course, but this time it felt a little unsure. It was like crying about the world. On one hand it was good, Brad Pitt was good, (Betty and Brad sounds like an awsome couple) and the other ones were good actors. But there was also the sad misunderstanding. Since Betty is all about clearing up misunderstandings, Babel was a hard one to watch. Let's hope there is some wisdom in the line: it was just a film

Sunday, November 19, 2006

BETTY COMES HOME AFTER DAY OF CLEANING


NO NO NO! I refuse to say anything about the house of Professor Periwinkle, in spite of all your nagging and hassling. I'm a discrete cleaning lady. It would be really a violation of privacy if I would reveal what I have seen up there. Dusty secrets I TELL YOU. Of course it's not easy. I'd prefer telling you all details. For example how I felt when I had to open that strange little box that I found underneath his cupboard, with that strange smell coming from it. I had to see if it was rubbish or not and, it was just terrible to open that box filled with fuzzy papers, looking like love letters, and such shock it was to see him on these photographs. PP was so young and tall and handsome, I was in complete awe. But you see, there I go too far already. Already too far in my exposition.
All right, all right, a small detail was that I did find a few socks. A few smelly and dusty socks. They were laying behind the stacks of old newspapers in his study. Okay, the socks were dirty and strange looking but it might not have been his socks. It could have been somebody elses socks. Yes, somebody with small feet..
Then I found...o no. that would be too much to tell. Well, maybe it's all right. I found a hairnet. Yes I did. An old dirty hairnet, with still a few curly hairs in it. Under his pillow. I know, isn't it terrible? I threw it away of course, what if he saw me with it!
Well, and then... dear people. And now you must be ready: I found out that PP has.... a date! Yes, this coming Sunday!! In the park. Because I was co-incidentally vacuumcleaning his desk and dusting his organizer, I read this appointment. Her name is Angelica. She lives nearby because when I called her number I heard the address mentioned on the answering machine..
O people, isn't that exciting?! That silly PP has a date!
Well, we cannot tell him that we know about it. Let's not share anything with him before anything is secure. I will leave a message tonight on that answering machine of hers saying that it's important that she wears purple. (That's his favorite color). Everything for success!

Now, i am going to call my mum for tips and tools on how to cleanse bathtubs that haven't been cleaned in twenty years.

Cheerio!

Betty

Thursday, November 16, 2006

THE CLEANER FROM HELL



Help! Help! Is there anyone out there? Help! SOS! Mayday!
Betty Bras has come to clean. But she doesn't clean. Or rather she doesn't just clean. She redefines.
'The vase doesn't want to be there,' she says. 'It wants to be THERE.'
'It doesn't want to be anywhere,' I say. 'It's inanimate. It's a vase.'
'It may be inanaimate,' she says, 'but it has wishes too. You should know that, as a philosopher. It wishes to be OVER THERE.' Then she moves it again.
She talks a lot about feng shui. I don't know what feng shui is, but I want my things left where they are. She's a rearranger of lives, a turner upsidedown and insideout of home and hearth. It's like having a hurricane start up inside the house. Things end up in all sorts of different places. She's moved the kitchen upstairs ('to keep smells away') and the bed to the front door ('so you can greet visitors without getting up'). She's put my study on the roof ('so you can be inspired by the stars'). She's upending and altering and rebranding and as a result I'm totally unhinged. Where is my hinge? I must have my hinge....
Do not let Betty Bras clean your home. This is one inspiration station too many. First my beard, then my house - why she's even put my shirts in the cupboard under the stairs where I keep the vacuum cleaner. She says vacuum cleaners like shirts. This is an example of how strange she is. I am going south on the next available train. I am so pleased she doesn't clean trains. That, and that alone, is the reason they stay on the track and have the engine at the front and the wheels underneath. Believe me, she'd change all that.
In deranged desperation...
Hairy Wrinkle (My God! She even rearranges names!) Periwinkle!

Betty applies for a job


Today Betty discovered what PP really needs and applies for a job

Dear people,
This morning I passed PP's house and guess what, when I looked through the windows, I saw him walking around under a cloud of dust. The cloud of dust followed him wherever he went, from living to kitchen and really looked like some sort of beard. But of course it wasn't. Waving with a big piece of cloth (was it his table cloth? an old scarf?) PP tried to dust the cloud from his house. But it didn't matter. It was a lost battle already.
I was flabbergasted. I think I kept watching him for almost 5 minutes, it was a little embarrassing I admit. Then my heart poored over with compassion. I mean, that man fighting his battle against dust, really touched me. I was just on the verge of knocking at the window, to tell him a little early-morning-hello, when I saw a little note hanging in the corner of the window. It was handwritten:

WANTED: CLEANING SOMEONE (EFFICIENT)
MUST LOVE PHILOSOPHY
Applications received etween 4pm and 4.10pm



Well, as I am not a stone hearted woman I rang right away. Yes, and guess what? I GOT THE JOB!
At first he was a little surprised that it was ME ringing the doorbell. And after that he got a little suspicious. But when I explained my cause a smile broke through on his face and he told me that I got the job.
It will not pay much but at least we will get to collaborate a bit more. He also mentioned something about his beard but quickly quickly I told him we would arrange the details later.

People, it's always good if you can help someone out. Of course it's not about money. I just love helping PP out. It must be an old complex that I carry with me but who cares, so happy dusting and

CHEERIO!


Betty

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Betty's Poetry Service

Betty has a new service and explains to Mr. Mashimoto what it's all about

Mr.Mashimoto: Wasabi mashda mashda Mashimoto wakari hai Massi Massi Inc. Hello?

Betty: It's Betty!

Mr. Mashimoto: Bitty! Ghow aw you?! haahahahahaha

Betty: I'm good, how aw gyu?

Mr. Mashimoto: ? ah, good. business good. Tokyooo hahahaha
he Ghow aw T-shirts? Business as usual? haha

Betty: Yes. But I start to think about a poetry service. In Dutch.

Mr. Mashimoto: What? You wanna sell cars?

Betty: No. Poetry

Mr. Mashimoto: ah I see. Paltry.....isz good business?

Betty: Yes.

Mr. Mashimoto: How about I order?

Betty: Order!? Great! What topic would you like me to rhyme on?

Mr. Mashimoto: topic..ah...European girls. Or eh..no European institutions. Yeah. No European Union

Betty: all right. It will be in Dutch though

Mr. Mashimoto: yes. Dutch girls. Dutch onion. Onion isz good for paltry!

Betty: (sighs) Mr. Mashimoto,....never mind

Mr. Mashimoto: ahahaha, newer mind...hahaha funny girl. Oh, customer comes. Bye Bitty!

Betty: Cheerio!


Dear readers, it's true. Christmas is coming. Saint Nicolas too. If you need poems, I'll write them for You.


Cheerio Betty

Sunday, November 12, 2006

THE ART OF GETTING FAMOUS: RULE 9



Dear people, today Betty presents rule 9 for becoming famous

I've started to suspect that that Professor Periwinkle isn't completely normal. Just yesterday I ran into him in the street. I was on my way to a very professional business meeting, and wore a very nice cream coloured business suit, and he looked at me as if he saw someone running naked in the street. So I stood still to say hello and he just stared at me. Then he pointed (!) and produced some very peculiar sounds. Like ooh, and the vikings, and ah and Asterix and no no, women in boats etc.
At first I thought he pointed at his beard, that was wrapped around my neck. But then he seemed to change his mind. He mumbled something about Venetian Art and a guy named after an Italian Pasta (Vermicelli or something) and than he ran off. That silly man. I wanted to offer him his beard, but then he pretended that he wanted to have it back, only by post. Well hello! I am a professional, not a Postorder Company.

Dear people, if you want to become famous then please follow my ninth rule: never stare at professionals. It's just not professional.

If you have any peculiar idea in mind, about someone walking in the street, and you cannot suppress the need to say something weird, then just add that you're a casting director looking for a protagonist for your next film. Or, that you want to start a church quire for dogs.

Cheerio!

Betty

Friday, November 03, 2006

BOTTICELLI AND THE BEARD

I had such a strange experience yesterday. I was out walking and I saw Betty Bras. I went up to her to see whether she knew anything about my lost beard, and I saw she was wearing it. And not only that, this was all she was wearing. It was draped round her like the hair of Botticelli's Venus, the one who's standing in a seashell that everyone raves about.
Well, what could I do? Perhaps you readers have the answer. I mean I could hardly have asked for the beard back, could I. She'd have been ... well, totally exposed to the elements. But at the same time it didn't seem right that she wore my beard like that, and it must have been terribly ticklish. I was nonplussed. I just didn't know what to do.
In the end I decided to ask her to return the beard in the post when she'd finished with it. But she just laughed at me and said it suited her too well to let me have it back.
Now I'm sitting by my typewriter trying to concentrate on The Early Development of the Phoenician Alphabet. But all the time this beard-borrowing Botticelli babe comes floating through the mist and hovers in front of the keys. I think I'll drink some cocoa and have an early night. Then maybe she'll go away. La di DA!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

BETTY GETS SECURE

Do you know this situation: that you have a friend, it might be just an acquaintance, that you have no idea of why you keep seeing him? In my case, this happened with a young security officer who stood at my door a few times, and really, it was all I could take. He was so boring that I fell asleep the MOMENT he rang the door. At some point he told me that he had seen me standing in my living, with my head fallen forward, and so this forced me to tell him that I had a sleeping disorder which had to do with doorbells. Of course, this wasn't true but I had to make something up. I couldn't tell him that I was tired of having to listen to his endless conversations about fur hats or courtyards or the people he needed to provide with security. He thought security was exciting but I thought it is extremely boring. Although we all need it, there is nothing as boring and predictable as that. So what did I do? Well, I tried to give him some sort of a nod, and then he went away. (I think he lives in a small country near the East Coast now).

It's hard to find an exciting man these days. Often, IF you find one at all, he has already been found by someone else. So what is left, is weird men. Take PP. He is SUCH a strange man. All his life, he spends on waggling to the supermarket, getting a package of cofee and then moving slowly back into the house to lock himself up with an old typerwriter. According to him, that is all he wants to do. I don't believe him. I think it is all he CAN do. Although I head, he has become a member of a dating site! Then, he shares his whole life with me. According to me, this clearly indicates a personality problem. From both sides.
The other thing that bothers me is the so called 'beard issue' that we're facing. Yesterday I tried to wrap the beard around my neck to see if it suits me. I believe it looks sexy. So, I think I'll keep it there for a while and see if he notices. Of course, he still hasn't gotten back to me about the e-mail I sent him, but perhaps when he gets cold, (and he gets cold all the time) he'll be in touch soon.

Cheerio!
Betty

BETTY GETS SECURE

Do you know this situation: that you have a friend, it might be just an acquaintance, that you have no idea of why you keep seeing him? In my case, this happened with a young security officer who stood at my door a few times, and really, it was all I could take. He was so boring that I fell asleep the MOMENT he rang the door. At some point he told me that he had seen me standing in my living, with my head fallen forward, and so this forced me to tell him that I had a sleeping disorder which had to do with doorbells. Of course, this wasn't true but I had to make something up. I couldn't tell him that I was tired of having to listen to his endless conversations about fur hats or courtyards or the people he needed to provide with security. He thought security was exciting but I thought it is extremely boring. Although we all need it, there is nothing as boring and predictable as that. So what did I do? Well, I tried to give him some sort of a nod, and then he went away. (I think he lives in a small country near the East Coast now).

It's hard to find an exciting man these days. Often, IF you find one at all, he has already been found by someone else. So what is left, is weird men. Take PP. He is SUCH a strange man. All his life, he spends on waggling to the supermarket, getting a package of cofee and then moving slowly back into the house to lock himself up with an old typerwriter. According to him, that is all he wants to do. I don't believe him. I think it is all he CAN do. Although I head, he has become a member of a dating site! Then, he shares his whole life with me. According to me, this clearly indicates a personality problem. From both sides.
The other thing that bothers me is the so called 'beard issue' that we're facing. Yesterday I tried to wrap the beard around my neck to see if it suits me. I believe it looks sexy. So, I think I'll keep it there for a while and see if he notices. Of course, he still hasn't gotten back to me about the e-mail I sent him, but perhaps when he gets cold, (and he gets cold all the time) he'll be in touch soon.

Cheerio!
Betty

Friday, October 27, 2006

PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE LOSES SOME BEARD

I went to see Betty the other day and I felt a little cold on the way home. I looked to see if I had my coat, my hat and my shoes, and there they were, but I still felt cold. Perhaps I needed a scarf. And then I realised - I'd left some beard in Betty's house.
This was a problem. I've left an umbrella before, but never a beard. And how did it come off? Did I pull it? Did she pull it? Did it get sliced with a knife or did it get twisted round some strange piece of furniture?
This has never happened to me before. On all my trips to museums and monasteries, to football games and swimming pools, to cinemas and academic conferences, I've never ever lost any of my beard. Like a faithful dog, it has followed me everywhere. But not when it went to see Betty Bras. Betty was obviously irresistible, a femme fatale to these impressionable little hairs who followed her like sheep.
The question now is: do I ask Betty for my beard back? Or do I stay away from her until it's grown back again and then pretend nothing happened? And what exactly did happen? Did she pounce on me with scissors? I seem to remember something about a door......
She's written me a letter about it. I think I'll open it. But I'm not sure when. Maybe when my beard's grown back a little. I always get this very funny feeling when I think of Betty Bras. As if I'm sitting on a wobbly jelly. So I don't think I'll reply for a while, in case I start to wobble some more....

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

BETTY WAITS FOR A REPLY

Dear people, one of the big problems we women have, is that men don't respond. They just don't. It takes so much talking, you might just as well have three tongues. When they finally get your message, they wonder why you didn't open up your mouth before. In the mean time, we are totally exhausted and gather to drink hugh pots of tea to get our dry tongues to work normally again.
Sometimes I think men don't respond deliberately, so they can rest and keep to themselves. Really, the amounts of resting men I have found these days, it's just overwhelming. They are EVERYWHERE. In parks, on doorsteps, or in the middle of traffic jams. They smile all the time and keep telling you that they have a plan for the next day. (With strong emphasis on 'next day')

Take PP. I wrote him this e-mail, telling him that I found a piece of his beard in front of my doorstep, and guess what, he hasn't responded. Nothing. Not a word. Not even a confirmation that he got my e-mail.
'Of course', you might say, 'anything could have happened'. Yes, he could have fallen ill. Or taken a train to Prague. Or have forgotten to come home. But let's face it, how many people take a train to Prague all of a sudden? Only a handful!
Besides, PP hasn't left his house for weeks. Taking a train to Prague would be very impulsive and very strategically unlogical. No, I'll tell you what the case is. He probably hasn't read it. It's probably still sticking in his mailbox. Or, worse, he HAS read it and believes he has responded already. That happens to men all the time. In fact, I know of a man who keeps repeating things like: "Yes yes, I have already said this and this a few days ago". And: "As I told you earlier...." (but no one has heard him saying anything). And all this with this very self content tone of voice. Of course this man doesn't realize, that people know that he hasn't said ANYTHING. He just wonders why there is groups of waiting women all around his office.

So for this man and all the non responding others: if you want to be respected and become successful, then dig up some accurate replies and deliver them fast!

(this is RULE VIII of my do-it-yourself-program for becoming successful and famous and is also valid for non responding women)

Cheerio!

Betty

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

BETTY WRITES AN E-MAIL TO PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE


Dear people, yesterday I had a date. A date with a very difficult man. A loner so to speak. He was tall, and dark haired and he had brown teeth. From smoking. Of course I wasn't interested. I mean, of course I was. There he sat, in front of me on a stool with a big Chimay in his hand, telling me he really wanted to be with a woman (!) like me. Isn't that flattering? The problem was, he had nothing to base it on. He only met me once before, at a cinema, and after that, he kept being very determined. I was very suspicious of this man so I asked him: well, what would you say if I tell you that in fact I am a refugee? I come all the way from Mexico and have no real place on earth. You know what he said? It seemed to make no impression. The only thing he said was: well, that's what I like about you baby, your gypsy heart. In awe, I drank a big Chimay myself, looked at the vague Gypsyman in front of me and decided to write an e-mail to the one and only real man in my life till now: PP

Dear PP
I am very sorry to tell you this, but yesterday I found a piece of beard on the street. I am almost 100% absolutely sure it is a piece of your beard. I guess it was pulled off when you slammed the door behind you. I picked it up and took it to my house. Please call me if you want it back. I will not tell anyone about this.

Love
Betty

P.S: I tried to cover a small stool with it, but it didn't do enough


CHEERIO
BETTY

Monday, October 23, 2006

BETTY AND PP

I'm worried about PP dear people. I have the feeling that he doesn't take care of himself. He never goes out. He never goes groceryshopping. His beard grows longer and longer and he smiles all the time. A clear sign of someone who has no clue. When my grandmother started to smile like that, she was 89, she fell of the stairs a few days later. Still smiling but dead. It was just terrible.
Maybe I should buy him a swiffer. Or, something to take the spiders out of the corners of his house. Or, a little comb, to get the beard nice and straight. Or a soap, in the shape of a big hand so he can wash himself.
Of course I have no clue how to approach it. It is more that it breaks my heart to see all this happening.
Who has a good plan for PP?

cheerio
Betty

Friday, October 20, 2006

BETTY'S TIP FOR SUCCESS RULE VII: BE CRAZY


Today Betty presents rule VII for your succesful career: BE CRAZY

Now, what do I mean with being crazy? That you need to fly up to a window and yell that the aliens are coming to get you? That you go to a wedding, wearing a wedding dress and dance with the groom all night? That you marry your dog and tell everyone that you would love to have children together? Yes, I do mean this. It is all very crazy and very right to do.

But, you're saying, isn't it foolish to be crazy? Will people not start to see me in a way I don't want to be seen. YES. THAT IS RIGHT. But, when becoming succesful you'll have to stand out somehow. There is too much competition to not do it.
It is up or it is out. So enjoy the crazy guy in yourself (it is always a guy) and let him do whatever he thinks its best.
Last night I suddenly felt the need to stand on my head. Just for a minute or two and so I did. Of course standing on your head in the local bakery isn't the most easy thing to do. I had to catch the loafs of bread that were falling from the shelves with my feet and a few cakes slid from the counter on top of an old lady, but hey, it was a real event for the baker and his customers. Afterwards I apologized and got myself a croissant. Succes ensured!

Cheerio!

Betty

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

A DOG - THE KEY TO SOCIAL SUCCESS


One of the best ways of mixing socially and making friends is to get a dog.
A small one that can fit into your bag is ideal. It will pop its head out (probably involuntarily) as the bus swerves to avoid a dustcart or a cyclist, and everyone will say 'Isn't he/she lovely! What's his/her name? How old is he/she? etc. etc.' These are things they'd NEVER DARE ask YOU, but they are happy to ask your dog. Then when they've taken that step it's much easier to find out how old you are too (if you want to tell them).
You can always talk to people in parks while you're out walking the dog, and there'll be plenty of opportunity to start conversations about the best food to give your pet, how it can be trained and so on. Once again people who'd never dare ask you what school you went to or what you liked for dinner will happily ask all these things about your pooch. Before long they'll be just as interested in you.
Should this scheme not work (it almost always does, there are very few lonely dog owners), then you need a different animal that will force people to sit up and take notice of you. Try taking your python to the park (pythons are such friendly huggy kissy creatures that love to give people a big squeeze, especially children), or even a small rhino (tiny ones are very cute). A zebra is striking and will help to keep the grass cut. And of course lions are beautiful creatures (probably best not to walk one next to the zebra).
If you're someone who needs to get noticed through an animal (we professors call it Displaced Recognition Syndrome or DRS) then my advice is to go ahead and get an animal that suits you. You'll never regret it. La di da.

Friday, October 13, 2006

BETTY'S TIP FOR SUCCESS RULE VI: DRIVE WITH YOUR HEART

I think the heart is an insane instrument, don't you agree? On one hand it is a very constant factor in life, a little bit overregular to my taste, on the other hand, it is a very emotional creature and it has no rules. So it seems. Of course, the heart is a beautiful thing, because it is ever there and hey, who can live without it? I still need to meet the first person who can do without one. It would be a terrible person though, a heartless being without love.

I would love to speak to a heart sometime and ask him how it feels to be so capricious. I mean, following a heart can be very risky. You might loose direction or you might loose what you had before!
Therefore dear almost famous wannabes, and I speak from my heart here, is that the advice that I can give you is a little boring. It is something like; be sensible. be smart. Now you're almost famous, you need to be very careful. It can all go wrong at the tail. So, my advice ( and I whisper this while I am writing) is: attach your fans to you but never pull your heart out unless you want to bleed.

Well, I'm off to a party now, with many celebs from all over the world. I am gonna sing a few songs and have some wine.
What do you think? isn't that the life we all should lead?

cheerio!

Betty

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

BETTY'S TIP FOR SUCCESS RULE V: KISS WITH FLAIR


Hello there, welcome back. Today Betty has figured out rule 5
Rule 5 is intense but secure: KISS AROUND
Although I write this with my last bit of energy, since the day was long, I Betty, feel that we need to discuss this very important principle of being famous.
Of course copying Britney Spears who kissed Madonna and then her husband Kevin and a few babies, is no good. None of these kisses have any lasting effect (except for 2 babies) because Britney looses all her connections slowly but securely. Now she is getting a divorce from kevin and oooo well kissing will be hard after this...

No, you gotta start kissing people who have a lasting impact on your career. For example, start trying to kiss a good hero, like your favorite local politician. Could be anyone and he could even be dead; in that case, kiss a good statue. We have a few great generals in Brussels that are easy to be kissed as long as you handle it with care.
In any case, you gotta kiss around. and get your pictures taken. In case you have a bleeding heart that belongs to someone, it is very difficult to start kissing around and surprise your fans kiss after kiss, but remember, the road to fame is a rocky road. You got to take the risk of a good mono, or something else bacterial but then, hey, after all that hugging and kissing, someone will take the right pictures and put you in the Daily News. think about Greta Garbo and Marilyn Monroe who were great kissers. Or Hitchkock, he loved kissing birds.
And that, is what it's all about people: getting your face in the daily news. So give yourself some flair and go for it.

BIG KISS
Betty

Sunday, October 08, 2006

PERIWINKLING TO POPULARITY

Feeling lonely and ignored? No one notice you're there? People never look at you but just look through you? Getting desperate?
Never mind. Professor Periwinkle has the answer. Refuse to speak.
Of course we're talking long term strategy here. This isn't for the merchant of the quick fix. We're in for the long haul here. But after a time people will start to wonder why you're not saying anything and then they'll get interested in you.
At the same time you should get rid of all your documents and anything that can identify who you are. This will make you even more interesting. It is the strategy followed by the famous (you see, famous!) 'Piano Man' when he turned up in England last year. He didn't speak, he had no documents, he had eluded all the world's nosy recognition systems - even George Bush didn't know who he was! All he could do was play the piano.
And so he quickly became a celebrity and got into all the papers and all sorts of people claimed to 'recognise' him as a mime artist, or a member of a rock band, or a man running away from his wife. He was so popular that people came just to look at him (he wouldn't speak to them) or to listen to him playing the piano and occasionally drawing them pictures.
There's a play about (and called) The Piano Man at Theaterhaus Rudi in Dresden, November 23rd-26th by some strange fellow called Mark Corner. So if you're near Dresden at that time (eg if you're in Prague or Berlin) why don't you pop along and see it. And then you'll learn how to become famous too!
La di da!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

BETTY'S TIP FOR SUCCESS RULE IV: CHANGE YOUR MIND


Dear peole, today we'll speak about rule IV: CHANGE YOUR MIND

This rule seems very complex, but is easy to learn. As you all are ruthless and merciless for becoming famous and successful, you have tendency to focus too hard. Therefore I recommend to practise the skill of CHANGING YOUR MIND when necessary. People who are capable of changing their own mind, are usually capable of changing other peoples mind . This is a WONDERFUL tool. It helps you to influence anyone who is not convinced of your brilliance. Please hide your flip flopper qualities and present yourself as a steady hill. And then, be as flexible and surprising as a Kroatian gymnastic.

The idea behind this is simple: you've got to surprise the others to unite them. Fans usually unite in amazement about a star. Napoleon tended to surprise everyone; one day he invented the handkerchief. Instead of snorking his snotty nose and sound like a pig, he blew his nose in some piece of cloth. Of course, at first he couldn't convince himself of the brilliance of this silly new custom, but then HE changed his mind and within a few months, the WHOLE OF FRANCE changed their mind. Many people used their dresses but when fashion changed (since the designers changed their mind also) they ran around with different things like curtains, sheets and in the end kitchen towels. This way Napoleon had his way and he created a big mass of subordinates.

In these days, we don't have Napoleon but others: Paris Hilton, same, there is no steadiness in the girl and yet she stands like the Eiffeltower. Renee Zellweger, changes her mind all the time about anything she can think off. George Clooney, changes changes changes. Everyday he looks a little bit different. Every year, even more. It's a very powerful tool that I would like to give you.

Of course, when in doubt, feel free to ask questions. For more suggestions about how to look for mind boggling changes, I refer to Seeking Woman who returned from some trip just this week

Cheerio!

Betty

Monday, October 02, 2006

MEETING PEOPLE THROUGH UNUSUAL HOBBIES



People often say that you meet people through taking up a sport or a hobby. This is true, but it's best if the recreational activity is unusual.
To give an example. Last Saturday Brussels had a 'nuit blanche' and lots of things were happening in the city all night, as I suppose they always do. One thing happening was a tour of some former cinema sites, led by a woman with a sort of squashy fez on her head and a couple of bagfuls of notes. She took us to the top of a multistorey car park where there used to be a 'panorama' (this was part of the 'prehistory' of cinema) and then to other buildings which used to be cinemas but now aren't, like the Marriott hotel (which wouldn't let us in). Meanwhile she showed us lots of pictures of the cinemas that used to be in Brussels while we stood around in the street trying to see them.
Now this was a real bonding opportunity. It was highly eccentric, demanding and original. People who joined this activity must have felt an immediate sense of being drawn together by the pursuit of bygone Brussels before the bulldozers moved in and created the multiplex.
So if you want to meet people, choose something unusual and become passionate about it. The insects that live between the paving stones of Brussels; the ghosts that haunt its disused railway stations; the site where a mediaeval mystic wrestled with the Devil. Far better than trying to get to know people over tennis or tying yourself into knots at yoga.
La di da.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Seeking Woman's secret


Hi! This is seeking woman!

It's been long since you've heard from me but please let me explain. I was on a secret mission.

A few weeks ago I was looking for lost souls. Only just after I started I found that many many souls were answering my call. Some of them were at peace with themselves, some of them did'nt give shit and apparently some of them were really pissed off, because NO-ONE came looking for them!

One of these extremely angry souls, the soul of Bill Gates (so he claimed), became totally aggressive and started threatening me. I decided to hide at mrs. Ayaan Hirsi Ali's house in the USA and I had such a lovely time, I almost didn't want to leave!!

In the end Bill's soul (who kept calling himself 'Goofy") decided to back off because Bill's behaviour became more and more absurd and he didn't seem to learn from his mistakes at all.

So, here I am, ready for some serious searching!

Thanks for your patience and Ayaan, thanks for your lovely home made soy-latte frappiatio's!!! ;)

SW

BETTY'S TIP FOR SUCCESS RULE III


Dear people, welcome back at Betty's new series: Tips and Tools for success. Today we present RULE III: TAKE CARE

Being famous like you almost are, gives you the responsibility of taking care of your fans. Probably, hunting for fame, you have no interest in taking care of anybody but yourself, but it is very important to practise this skill. Start with taking care of a little thing, like a plant or your own hair. It is ALWAYS good to build a relationship, even with something that already belongs to you.

Remember: Show the integrity of your sudden attention. Mistrust is a big barrier to overcome in ANY relationship (Betty's relationship with her home mosquito Binny is still very fragile); with the right amount of love, light, warmth, truth and earth, any relationship could florish.

But, you might say, HOW do I take care? Well, in case you have 1 fan, start with the giving of a CLEAR compliment. Something like: WHAT WONDERFUL FEET YOU HAVE! Walking must be so easy for you! Then, it is necessary to intensify the contact by saying something important. Say; "I support you on all your silly projects and completely trust your mad decisionmaking, whatever that might lead to in your near future." This allows your fan to be completely himself, meaning NOT perfect and gives him all reason to love you. As Betty always states: pointing with one finger to someone else, means pointing with the other three to yourself.

For making fans I would like to refer to the last posting of Professor Periwinkle in which he mentions locations where you could easily connect to people. For now, good luck with applying RULE III.

Next time we discuss rule IV of becoming succesful and famous.

Cheerio!

Betty

Friday, September 29, 2006

ANOTHER HANDY TIP ON HOW TO MEET PEOPLE



You're lonely and you think no one likes you. Perhaps you're even suicidal. What should you do? Have you thought about visiting the cemetery?
If you're the sort of person who likes to talk and express his/her feelings, but perhaps isn't the world's best listener, then a cemetery is an ideal place for you to tell everyone about yourself. The dead are very good listeners - they don't interrupt and unlike your psychiatrist they don't charge. They just listen in stunned silence. Perhaps, being dead, they think something like 'Get a life', but they don't tell you this. They are very polite.
Cemeteries don't only contain corpses. They have some very interesting sculptured headstones, well-planted trees and are lovingly tended like the best gardens. And of course they are well attended by widows or widowers, who might be a little more receptive to your charms than other people. 'I guess you'll be looking for a new husband now' might not be the best of opening lines, but you can always try something like 'I miss him too. He was my best friend.'
Cemeteries are peaceful places, and a lot of thoughtful people go there to think and revive their spirits. They may not all be keen to talk, but if you find yourself next to such a person you can both remain silent and simply feel each other's presence. You can bond spiritually - and even if you go away without speaking, something of that other person will go with you. La di da.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

BETTY'S TIPS FOR SUCCESS II


As promised, today Betty presents rule II for becoming succesful and famous, in addition to PP's wonderful new series: How to meet New People

RULE II: BE THE ANSWER
For those of you who will be famous and succesful soon, it is very important to start focusing on those two flappers sticking out of your head: your beautiful ears. People nowadays tend to focus on the eyes, but the ears can do some good for you two. Betty's Newsletter is, how co-incidental, devoted to the EARS this month, so please check it out to update your knowledge. The idea behind listening to people is to then present yourself as THE ANSWER to any question they might have. Like yesterday, when Betty talked to an answer, she found out how comforting and reassuring that felt.

Betty: I have a question

ANSWER: And you want to know what's the answer?

Betty: Yes

Answer: Right. The answer is right.

Betty: Good answer, what was the question?

Answer: I don't know. I just do answers

Betty: Okay...gee, you must give many answers during the day

Answer: Is that a question?

Betty: Yes

Answer: Okay... yes,..the answer is yes

Betty: Yes..All right...(silence) would january 2030 be a good month to go on holiday?

Answer: Absolutely, 100%

Betty: thanks...just what I needed

Answer: No thanks

As you can see, this conversation could lead to great friendship and deep connection between two people who just met.
Succes is always related to answering the questions of people, who then will become your fans. If you feel nobody wants to become your fan just tell them a little bit about yourself: what you ate today, or where you'd love to go. Fans love to talk to famous people and since you'll be one soon it should come easy.

Next time we'll discuss the third rule for becoming a succesful person...

Cheerio!

Betty

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

BETTY'S TIPS FOR SUCCESS


Today Betty presents the first RULE that will help you to become famous

When you're a famous person, you need to meet and greet many strange and unsuccesful people, and you'll need to wash your hands all the time and go to the hairdresser very often. So the first thing is to decide: can I live with this or not? If not, then it's better to forget about the whole thing and do something more common (like: making muffins at home)

But if you still feel like it, than Betty has the following first lesson for you:

RULE I: EMBODY YOURSELF
Many people aren't where their body is. They live somewhere else. They dream and move to another planet on a daily basis.
Others limit themselves to JUST being a head. Especially nowadays, with all these computers, people don't remember their body and what it feels like. So there is lots of space for you left; you just need to use your WHOLE BODY, like Madonna. Don't start dragging out pieces of woods to build a cross to hang yourself at, but just move like the woman (don't sing!). Think big. Think as if there were large audiences applauding for you. Then, with this feeling incorporated, go out and start to make your first important contacts with future fans, on whom you'll need to build your fame on. Your body is your future

Now, for the right environment to start in, I would like to refer to the postings of Professor Periwinkle about where to meet people. Please write to us about any questions that you might have on this and we'll answer.

Tomorrow we'll present RULE II for how to become famous and succesful.


Cheerio!


Betty

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

ANOTHER HANDY TIP FROM PROFESSOR P


You are all alone in the big city and you want to meeet people. But you don't want to hang around in bars or join singles clubs or mess around with dating agencies. What can you do? Last week Professor Periwinkle suggested a launderette as the ideal social venue. This week he suggests something else for those of you who are fit and daring. The ideal meeting-place for any lonely singletons is

A BRUSSELS BUS

The Belgian capital is blessed with lots of narrow streets which hark back to its history as a large town rather than a great capital laid out with wide boulevards. This means that its buses have to do a lot of stopping and swerving as they try to negotiate the lanes. You will find yourself thrown all over the place, enjoying a rib-tickling rollercoaster of a ride in which you are bound to land on several other passengers several times during your journey. To make the squeeze even more fun, the buses make sure that they don't come too often, that they fill up only from the front and that the aisles are full of pushchairs, bicycles and huge bums (thin people find it quicker to walk).
So if your loneliness is less of the spiritual sort and more of a down-to-earth physical kind of longing for the press of flesh on flesh, and if you're a daring person who isn't afraid of a few hard knocks on the 'dance floor', try a Brussels bus and your whole life could change. The entrance fee is only one euro 60 cents and there are reductions for addicts wanting a block booking.
La di da.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Betty Bras Rooted


Today Betty talks to Guru about feeling at home

"I long for a home, because I never seem to fit in, " said Betty to Guru, who was sitting next to her on a bench.
"But you do!" said Guru.
"Well," said Betty, "I suppose fitting in means that you're rooted in some place or so, but I haven't felt that for a long time."
"Then," said Guru," then you'll have to go back in time and remember at what place you felt rooted."
"Hm," said Betty and went back in time with her mind. "I guess it was when I felt very connected and very inspired and very mystical and surrounded by good spirits..."
"It's a little much," said Guru. 'Why can't you say, I felt at the right place..."
"Because it wasn't really that I felt being at the right place," said Betty, "it was more a place of connection and inspiration"
"Betty baby, you make things very complicated..at what place did you feel rooted?"
"New York," answered Betty. "No no! Durango! No! Moscow. Paris!...when I had an affair and a job and.."
"Betty! you're not like UPS, located everywhere. Come on now, where was the best and real home?"
"The womb..." murmured Betty.
"Well, then follow it!..." grumped Guru, not understanding the complexity of it at all

Do you have a solution for the problem of not feeling at home, that lots of people have, please let Betty know at betty.bras@yahoo.co.uk or just comment on this posting.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

SUPERBETTY



"If you don't feel well," said Guru, "than just open your ears and listen. That's the first thing to do. Listen to your inner voice and to what it has to say."
"Hm," said Betty.
"Than," said Guru, "you got to act and try to embrace what's there, send out the positive and hope for the universe to return something good..."
"Aha," said Betty
"Than," said Guru wisely, "try to inspire yourself by thinking lightly and positive and that all things happen for the learning!"
"O dear", said Betty."Last night I dreamt that I was Superbetty. I ran out of a window, jumped on an airplane, crashed myself onto a few buildings and bumped into a few people. It seems to me, that what you're saying is like a dream. Being all light, inspired and positive so you'll go into a flying flow. My flying flow was scary and not so much to learn from."
Guru looked puzzled because he never had heard of a flying flow. "Betty," he said, " there is a flow, and you can fly. And that you're Superbetty anyway, that's something that no one else can do anything about.
"Hm," said Betty and felt very very shy, and than happy and than awkward. And than Super. It was a complex moment in the day