BETTY LOVES COMPUTERS
Today Betty tries to buy some hardware at a computer store
Betty: Hi, I would like to attach this hugh screen to my Apple lap top. What do I need?
Nerd: you need a...ehm... ADS-VID4 adaptor, wired with 2300KGB connected to XY-687... What kind of lap top do you have?
Betty: a G4
Nerd: too bad. Our adaptors cannot be connected to the old computers anymore.
Betty: It's not an old computer. it is four months old
Nerd: In Apple terms, that is ancient
Betty: But I have bought four new lap tops within a month to keep up with the newest technology. Are you telling me that there is no hardware left that I can use for the latest one? You bad bad Apple store person!
Nerd: All right calm down please (types frantically) damn, my computer has problems today. I cannot enter the system
Betty: I want you to buy a new computer now and FIX my problem!
Nerd: It is not the COMPUTER being wrong, it is an internet problem, the provider fucks up
Betty: get a new provider then! And FAST, we're living on the treshold of a new era, you got to think FASTER, ACT faster, and SHIFT paradigms like nothing else! Keeping customers waiting is OLD FASHION treatment. I got to get global within 5 minutes!
Nerd: Don't be so uptight! Listen, if you buy a new computer you will get an airplane. For free. It is an offering
Betty: I just got a free radiostation plus channels, nerd, when I bought my mobile phone. Now FIX my problem!
Nerd: (nodds) nope, it doesn't work. (calm) I advice you to buy a new computer
Betty: (frustrated) YOU got to buy a new computer and FIX it. Otherwise I will sew you!
Nerd: For what?
Betty: For making me spill my time on you. My rate is 125 per hour
Nerd: Betty!
Betty: oops...all right then...cheerio!
posted by Betty Bras @ Thursday, May 18, 2006
DETECTIVE ANNIE MACBAIN by Prof. Perwinkle
3 Comments:
Dear Betty,
I was so emboldened by your determined effort to get a huge screen for your laptop that I felt sure I now had the courage to get a new binding for my stamp album. So off I went to the stamp shop, taking care to avoid buses and the post office, where they have horrible stamps and wave me away for being too ugly.
When the salesman appeared to hesitate at my request for a special adhesive, I told him that we were living on the threshold of a new era. I could see that he was impressed by my words, because he fetched a saleswoman to help him at this point.
'What do you want, you funny little man?' she said.
'I want a new binding for my stamp album', I replied, 'and I think you should shift some paradigms and get me one.'
I don't know whether it was her paradigms that she shifted, but she scurried off to the back of the shop and returned with something called 'Old Montgomery's Special Glue - Fixes the Mouths of the Maddest Professors'. She said I should rub it on my lips and if I started to feel thirsty in the next few hours I could always drink through my nostrils.
I told her that I had started drinking through my ears already on the advice of my good friend Betty Bras.
'Whatever turns you on, you daft old codger', she replied.
I rubbed on the glue and then I wanted to tell her that I'd got to get global in five minutes. But unfortunately I wasn't able to part my lips any more. I'm not sure why this happened, but perhaps it will go if I keep off buses.
Thank you for giving me the courage to take on the technological giants of philately and leave them floundering,
Ever your honoured servant,
Professor Periwinkle
Dear Professor Periwinkle
In a world where it is getting harder and harder to act in a courageous manner, where old heroes get killed by dark clothed aliens, where virtues are not valued as before, it is very encouraging to meet someone like you who dares to stand out from the crowd and tells people what's what. I am SO proud of you that you managed to get what YOU needed. And you DESERVE it professor. (I know you are replying even now your lips are glued)
I would almost fly on a carpet to Morocco just out of pure sensational joy. But, since there is so much encouraging to do, I decided to stay here and write.
Now, daft old codger, what do those words mean
exactly? I wondered about this when I wrote them down. And more important, what WAS the first reply that came to your mind? I ask this dear professor, since getting out there and standing for your stamps is one of the most difficult things to do. Society thrives on discouraging people. Fortunately there is Betty's weblog where you can write what you REALLY think about things (anything really except for...well never mind)
Was it something like: come on, nasty postcow. or, was it more like, you horrible unelegant pelican, who are YOU to tell me who to be?
I get very inspired by words like these and am trying to learn more about it. For more scolding words, I would like to refer you to my book that I wrote in the 80's: How to scold when your lips are sealed.
Hope to have given you all encouragement, and cheering your brave stamp cruisade,
Betty
exactly?
Dear Betty,
How right you are that it is difficult to be courageous in this world. I have just read your uplifting story about Bambi and the wolf and I thought to myself: if Bambi can become a wolf why not Professor Periwinkle? I could bare my yellow teeth and howl horribly, at least if I could only unseal my glued lips. You see what an inspiration you are, Betty.
Of course I couldn't manage to go sexy shopping like you, but I can at least go to the stamp shop. And I could go camping, I think, because the mozzies never bite me, they know that whoever sucks the blood of a Periwinkle dies a horrible death. One day I shall maybe slay vampires and enter the heroes' hall of fame.
Oh dear. Back to earth. You asked about a daft old codger. Well, imagine there's a queue for stamps in the post office, and in front of you there's a man of 99 who buys a postcard for 99 cents and he says 'I always believe in finding the right change because I know how much it helps the sales assistants', and then he counts out 99 cents with his rheumatic hands, dropping a few on the way. He reaches 98 so he tries again, muttering apologies, and now he reaches 100. Meanwhile the queue gets longer and longer until it snakes out of the door and round the city and finally strangles Brussels, which dies a horrible death. Meanwhile the man at last hands over 99 cents. 'There you are,Madame!' he cries in triumph, though by now madame has grown grey and even passed away. I think that person would be called a daft old codger, Betty, though probably they wouldn't tell him so in English. Perhaps in lovely Dutch. What would it be in Dutch? I don't suppose you know, but I just assume you know everything because your stories are such an inspiration.
Your devoted
Professor Periwinkle
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