BETTY AND WEDDING

Betty had a very exciting weekend. She went to a wedding and there were lots of teary moments as the couple were head over heels in love. Why is it then, Betty thought, that there is still a divorce rate of 50%? Every merry wedder has such good intentions! And such big love.
So Betty decided to look inside herself to find inner peace and big self love.
I love my hair, affirmed Betty, I have a beautiful hairmoment. I have beautiful hairmoments (because affirmations are always in the present tense). I have a wonderful relationship with Professor Periwinkle and also I enjoy intense moments of freedom and creativity. And once I have all that, I will be content and married.
But of course, this was a little mistake. Affirmations should always be in the present: I AM, I DO etc. Otherwise you keep thinking about the future and that is not what you want.
Therefore Betty will practise good affirmations this week. Starting with today.

I am blogging in perfect harmony (20 times)

Cheerio!

Betty

BETTY RETURNS

HI

I'm writing you for the first time in a week because somehow I fell asleep last week and could not wake up. I think I was very very tired and actually needed a little holiday. Of course, I lost some weight since I did not eat. I also did not drink a lot so when I woke up, just now on the couch, I felt a little bit like a dry baguette. A little French even.
The most wonderful thing is that I did not go anywhere to experience new adventures. I just dreamt and it was WONDERFUL. i saw a beautiful dark tanned diving instructor with lovely wite teeth and blue eyes. It was marvelous to see him again. Again, because I met him before of course in real life...well anyway, in your dreams EVERYTHING is possible.
I did a few balloon flights, some wonderful baseball playing, some singing in swool piano bars. really, I had the best time.
Now I am back and am ready to blog. And thank God PW and Seeking Woman, you really made something happen on the site.
I love you guys for that.

Now remember, LOVE is the most important matter and substance. If you feel ill or sick or bad or depressed, remember to get a little bit of LOVE and it will cure you no matter what pain you're having.

I read wonderful little poems on love and it totally jumped on me, that little pink cloud. Good for the wrinkles to! (PW, pay attention)

So, I'm back and all my LOVE to you

Betty

BETTY BEACH

Today Betty feels very holiday-ish and talks to a beachball

Betty: Hi ball

Ball: Hi Betty

Betty: How is beach life?

Ball: Oh, you know, getting kicked around is always a little unpleasurable

Betty: yeah.

Ball: But I'm having a ball anyway Betty, because I'm very zen

Betty: Really?

Ball: Everytime they throw me in the air I get great ideas and every time I fall on the floor I feel grounded

Betty: You're a buddha ball

Ball: Now i got to go, I got a few shoes to catch

Betty: All right then...cheerio!

PROFESSOR PERIWINKLE MEETS GENIE

Professor Periwinkle was rubbing his glasses one day when there was a whoosh and a puff of smoke and then there was Genie

'Gosh,' said Professor Periwinkle.

'Didn't you rub your lamp and say Abracadabra?' said Genie.

'No,' said Professor Periwinkle. 'I was just rubbing my specs.'

'Same difference,' said Genie. 'I'm here now anyway and your wish is my command. You can have anything."

'Oooh.' said Professor Periwinkle.

'A mansion, a Ferrari, a tropical island. Just name it.'

'Oooh,' repeated Professor Periwinkle, 'in that case I'd like a good Czech-English dictionary.'

'Oh,' said Genie, a little disappointed. 'Is that all?'

'I expect it's a challenge in its own little way,' said Professor Periwinkle.

So Genie created a dictionary.

'Thank you,' said Professor Periwinkle. 'It's good and fat and in several volumes.'

'It'll be hard to get home,' said Genie. 'What about that Ferrari to transport it to your study in style?'

'Oh no,' said Professor Periwinkle. 'But if you could create a bus ticket....'

'A bus ticket!' said Genie, even more disappointed.

'Thank you,' said Professor Periwinkle. 'Will you come again?"

'I don't know,' said Genie. 'Perhaps I've got more important clients. But you have three wishes, Professor. What will your final one be? Your own private beach?'

'I wonder if you could possibly give me a new left lens in my glasses,' said Professor Periwinkle, 'the present one is a little scratched.'

So Genie made him a new lens.

'I'm off now,' said Genie, 'I've got a client who wants a spaceship the size of a passenger liner and a huge suite of rooms for himself and his harem.'

'Oh dear,' said Professor Periwinkle.

'Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime. You have to bite the bullet and grasp the nettle and...what's the other phrase?'

'Take the bull by the horns', said Professor Periwinkle. 'And there are several more.'

'Exactly. Well, there we are. I guess some people are underachievers, Professor.'

'I guess they are,' said Professor Periwinkle. 'You'd never catch me going into outer space without a good set of glasses, a proper ticket and plenty of dictionaries. You never know what they might speak up there.'

'Weird' said Genie, and disappeared in another puff of amoke.

BETTY CALLS

Today Betty makes a phone call to GURU

Betty: Hello!!

Guru: (very far away) hello

Betty: Guru can you hear me? hello?

Guru: Hello? Is that you Betty?

Betty: Do you feel downish?

Guru: I do, I'm at level 0 here

Betty: Is there possibility get you more uppish?

Guru: Am not sure, it's very dark today

Betty: Where are you?

Guru: Well, in the basement of course


Today's earthshake: friends who feel low, sound low and often feel very far away...Let's call them today

BETTY FEELS TORN

When you feel split you need to sit down and close your eyes. Then you listen to all the sounds: your breath, the sounds outside, the sounds of your room. Sometimes you might hear the giggling of your glasses somewhere. But don't pay attention! Just focus on the sounds and try not to get distracted. When you then open your eyes, and see everything, try not to look at anything specific, just look. This combination will stop your thoughts; you'll feel whole again (10 min)

ANY THOUGHTS ON THIS? MAIL BETTY

BETTY DREAMS

This night Betty had a wild dream and goes into analysis with Spiritual Woman

Betty: So I am in this little city and I keep telling someone that I am going to be a banker

Spiritual woman: How did you move around?

Betty: I drove a red Ferrari

Spiritual woman: (greedy) a Ferrari? ooh, it brings good fortune Betty, sometimes soon you'll get that Ferrari, for free!

Betty: Really? How exciting, and it will be so sexy!!

Spiritual woman: I know, and everybody will want to be your friend.... (serious) But now Betty, there is still a lot of gossip and negative energy around you; for 500$ I can sell you spiritual oil which will cleanse your spirit and soul

Betty: 500$?!!!

Spiritual Woman: I was just kidding, 500$ AND that Ferrari

Betty: Okay, how about a crop of lettuce as well?

Spiritual Woman: I'm allergic to lettuce, I prefer something sweet

Betty: Chocolate?

Spiritual Woman: That's fine. So that's a Ferrari, a chocolate bar and 500$

Betty: And a shake maker

Spiritual Woman: A shake maker?

Betty: Yes, for daily shakes. And a plastic bag. And a roof top. That's all I have really

Spiritual Woman: A plastic bag?

Betty: To put it all into

Spiritual Woman: Ah yes, but...I'm against plastic, it should be hand knitted..the environment you know ..

Betty: What about the roof top? It is made of all natural materials

Spiritual Woman: Eh..I don't know..

Betty: Why don't I just bring it and you can decide later if you want it. So that's a nice handknitted bag then with a roof top a shake maker and a chocolate bar in it

Spiritual Woman: That sounds good

Betty: Great, it's a deal

Spiritual Woman: Wait, what about my Ferrari?

Betty: Well, I'm afraid it wouldn't fit, it's handknitted you see, delicate bag

Spiritual Woman: Oh I understand....how about a very small one?

Betty: Well, if you want to drive with your knees above the steering wheel...it's very unhandy

Spiritual Woman: Oh, I see...What about the 500 dollars? Would they fit?

Betty: I...don't think so. The roof top you know, takes a lot of space

Spiritual Woman: Right....right...

Betty: So, why don't you keep dreaming here a little while I get the stuff...

Spiritual Woman: Yes, well... that's what I do anyway

Betty: Right. So dream on then...

Spiritual Woman: Betty, that didn't sound very polite!

Betty: Ooops sorry...allright then... Cheerio!

BETTY BRAS MISS YOU CARD

LOVE THIS CARD? SEND IT TO YOUR LOVED ONE

BETTY AND TV GAME

TODAY Betty presents a tv-show called: Guess the Island, and Silent Corner rings her from his home

Betty: So...do you know the name of the island we are looking for? Just call 0400- 877 and win 2500 EURO and a trip!

(silence)

Betty: 2500 EURO, just calll... you know what, I will help you a little: the first letter is an A- it IS a little difficult indeed

(silence)

Betty: Now, come on now, are you watching this TV program and you don't know the answer? The second letter is an R

(ring ring)

Betty: Woopi! The first candidate on the line. Hello this is Betty, who is calling?

Silent Corner: It's Silent Corner and the name of the island is ARgentina

Betty: Silent Corner? How come you are watching TV?

Silent Corner: Well, the TV is just around the corner and I heard your voice saying anybody could call so...

Betty: FANTASTIC!! but the answer is not right! Too bad.. The third letter is a U

Silent Corner: Eh...Arumenia?

Betty: Almost! The fourth is a B...-I know it is very difficult

Silent Corner: Darn, my geography is not very good. Wait, I know, it's Aruba!

Betty: Congratulations! Aruba indeed! You've won 2500 EURO and a trip to Belgium!

Silent Corner: But I AM in Belgium

Betty: Cool! So we won't need to send you off to a trip then!

Silent Corner: But I've won...

Betty: I know. It IS silly, but the game was really difficult wasn't it

Silent Corner: Just because I could not see the screen

Betty: So next time when you call, we will turn the TV so you can see the whole word

Silent Corner: Well, it doesn't really matter, you can still win.. Betty, is this your new career? I feel you're going down hill

Betty: Oops...All right then...cheerio!

BETTY ANALYZES A HORSE

Today Betty meets a horse

Horse: I'm dead

Betty: You're dead: where exactly do you feel that in your body?

Horse: Especially in my hoofs. They feel heavy and big. And lifeless

Betty: Now, when you go deeper into that feeling of those lifeless hoofs, what other images or feelings come up?

Horse: I see the image of a weak and clumsy body, it's a male

Betty: Is this body familiar to you?

Horse: It's Mr. Grunfeld's body

Betty: And what feeling comes up when you think of Mr. Grunfeld?

Horse: I get a very sick and pressing feeling in my stomach and I need to vomit

Betty: Now, what exactly does he do that make you feel that way?

Horse: He is a bad horseman. He can't lead me, he pulls the reins like a mad man and he yells and whips like a clown

Betty: Now accept that feeling

Horse: (breathes deep, coughs, then vomits) oaaaaaaah

Betty: Now that's good, how does that feel?

Horse: I feel liberated! Now I would like to run freely through the fields, with the other guys! No leader! I am my own!

Betty: Great! Congratulations! You have discovered your own free will again!

Horse: Thank you Betty, sometimes women get all hysterical, run through the fields with me, and wave their arms while yelling, but you are a real cool girl

Betty: Oh..hehehe

Horse: Now open your arms Betty, here is 600 kgs of true devotion for you! I am gonna jump

Betty: But...you are 600 kgs!

Horse: But I want to whisper things to you Betty, and put my heart next to yours

Betty: Oops...alll right then....cheerio!

BETTY FREESTYLE

Today Betty met Mr. Grunfeld who fell off his horse

Mr. Grunfeld: That damn horse, I was just whispering some words to him and then he threw me off his back!

Betty: O dear, did that hurt?

Mr. Grunfeld: No no, heheh, it didn't hurt

Betty: But you look a little bit scratched

Mr. Grunfeld: Well, that's just because I haven't shaved, so I'm alright (oops heheh little dizzy still)

Betty: So, what exactly happened....

Mr. Grunfeld: Well, I was just telling him that I was planning to buy this ranch and-

Betty: And then he started to go wild?

Mr. Grunfeld: Yes for no reason...the bloody bastard just shook me off!

Betty: (deep voice) It's not true is it, Mr. Grunfeld. Are we lying to Betty? Isn't it true that you've never whispered anything, but that you tried to make the horse jump very high and that when he didn't perform well, you started to whip him to hide your own insecurity? Isn't that true Mr. Grunfeld?

Mr. Grunfeld: No that's not true...hehehe

Betty: Isn't it true that you have never taken a single horse riding lesson in your life, Mr. Grunfeld?

Mr. Grunfeld: hhehehe..no that's not true

Betty: And isn't it true that...when you took a lesson..

Mr.Grunfeld: No no, that is not true...Betty!

Betty: Yes it is-

Mr. Grunfeld: No no, I've stopped seeing her...the horse riding instructor- and my wife knows about it

Betty: You had an affair?

Mr. Grunfeld: Yeah, well...very briefly. I only met her a few times...in the Scottish Highlands when we celebrated my wife's birthday

Betty: Oh! So you DID have some lessons then? And you can't ride?

Mr. Grunfeld: Go away Betty! You make me reveal everything about myself

Betty: Oops all right then...cheerio!

BETTY and SEEKING WOMAN

Today Betty meets Seeking Woman, who tries to get organized

Seeking Woman: It's not that I'm disorganized, it's just that I can't find anything-

Betty: You mean that things are just nowhere to be found once you've organized your place?

Seeking Woman: Everything just disappears; even my TV has gone!

Betty: O dear, that's no good

Seeking Woman: Then I lost my washing machine last year and then one day it just popped out from under my bed!

Betty: Well, we should try and do something to help you

Seeking woman: (sighs) Darwin knew how to organize the world..I wanna be like him

Betty: Let's see..we could draw a map which shows where all your things are located

Seeking Woman: But I'm terrible with maps. I might end up in Germany. Although, I wouldn't know- I can never find any street sign

Betty: Or we could study the different locations of everything and then try to visualize them in our heads

Seeking Woman: But I am not good at visualizing Betty...I am an aural person, I need to HEAR where things are

Betty: Then I could TELL you where your things are, be like a TOM TOM

Seeking Woman: You will be my Tom Tom? I'm not sure if I'm interested in that kind of relationship Betty, I do prefer men to be honest

Betty: ...it is a tool. But never mind, I am afraid dear, that you will have to accept the mess. And seeking things is your destined activitity. You are meant to seek

Seeking Woman: No Betty!... I need peace of mind! Which I can't find any more..And I lost two friends last week and my car!

Betty: Oops all right then...cheerio!

BETTY AND BULL

Today Betty has to make a big decision about marriage

Betty: Guru, I have been proposed to, but I am not sure if I want to accept

Guru: Marriage? You? What a surprise!

Betty: It was love at first sight

Guru: How wonderful, tell me a little bit more about him then , is he handsome?

Betty: Well, he is big, with a broad chest, has strong muscular legs, shiny skin and horns like a real bull

Guru: A bull?

Betty: (sighs) I met him on a >cow hugging trip with colleagues. First it was very relaxing. Then it became exciting...oh, and he has such a big tongue..

Guru: Oh no, that's disgusting. Are you out of your mind?

Betty: What should I do Guru? Grab the bull by the horns right away?

Guru: (grumpy) Well, why don't we discuss the matter a little

Betty: (whispers) but we should hurry up, the deadline is tomorrow; after all he is a business bull

Guru: Let's see..how do you communicate with him?

Betty: Well, his vocabulary is limited but rich. He MOOs or BOOs and sometimes jazzes it up with a grunt or two.

Guru: Betty, that would mean ditching all your dialogues! You want to give all that up for moo-ing?

Betty: Ah, life would be good at the farm Guru: fresh milk and grass and sun and lots of butter every day. How heavenly!

Guru: (cries) BETTY, I DON'T WANT TO SOUND BULLISH BUT: but you're behaving like a stupid cow! It's so tragic to see you like this!

Betty: Oops...alll right then...cheerio!

BETTY'S and NEWSPAPER

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BETTY MEETS HER TWINFLAME

Today Betty meets her twinflame and almost has a heart attack

Twinflame: You were all alone yesterday, you felt tragically romantic and were longing for someone

Betty: Oh gosh...that's right. How did you know?

Twinflame: Because I am your twinflame

Betty: Twin excuse me?

Twinflame: Twinflame. Do you feel the deep intense and unconditional love between you and me?

Betty: Well, I'm single and a little unfamiliar with deep eternal--

Twinflame: There has been an eternal flame burning between us since the beginning of times

Betty: Oh gosh. You knew about this?

Twinflame: Don't pretend you don't remember Betty- we are one soul, two halves, two you-know-what

Betty: You and I had a date?

Twinflame: Just enjoy the deep and intense contact between us- look me in the eyes

Betty: You are a professional, goodness

Twinflame: (sighs) All these lifetimes,....Oh Betty

Betty: My breathing is going a little too fast, oh dearest, am I having a heart attack?

Twinflame: Possibly. That's tragic. But remember that we will see each other again in the next lifetime

Betty: The next lifetime?

Twin flame: Yes, we meet and split up and meet and split up, it is an eternal cycle. Hey, where are you going?

Betty: Well, I love cycles and wouldn't dare to break an eternal one, so I am splitting up

Twin flame: Betty!!! But I just met you again! I might die now!

Betty: Oops all right then....cheerio!

BETTY AND JAJAH

Betty receives a phone call from Mr Mashimoto who discovered her T-shirt Business

Mr. Mashimoto: Ghello Bitty ghow are you--

Betty: Mr Mashimoto!! How are you?

Mr. Mashimoto: Ha ha funny girl Bitty. Ghow about your place?

Betty: Eh..you ask me if I am in a good place in my life right now?

Mr. Mashimoto: Ha ha life

Betty: So...what about your Calling business?

Mr. Mashimoto: Yeah, we sell about 1 million telephones to Philipines

Betty: Wow!

Mr. Mashimoto: Yeah yeah, calling is big big trend Bitty. Having telephone is trend,but...jajah

Betty: Yeah yeah

Mr. Mashimoto: Yes - competitive.....basterds

Betty: Excuses me?

Mr. Mashimoto: Jajah! calling business! but new businesss! JAJAH!

Betty: yeah yeah

Mr. Mashimoto: no yeah yeah JAJAH!

Betty: O I am sorry Mr. mashimoto, I hope you will succeed anyway

Mr. Mashimoto: Yeah yeah (silence) Ghow about your T-shirts dear Bitty...

Betty: I have no T-shirt business Mr Mashimoto

Mr. Mashimoto: (sudden) DO NOT LIE TO ME BITTY! I SAW YOUR SHOP!! IT ISZ FULL OF T_SHIRT BUSINESS!!

Betty: All right, allright, I started a little something

Mr.Mashimoto: NOT LITTLE THING! it is BIG BUSINESS BITTY. You LIE me and I am your friend! (hangs up) bittyyyy!

Betty: Oops....all right then....cheerio!

BETTY AND EARL

Betty meets the Earl of Sandwich who explains his life

Earl: I did indeed kill a few people, but only a few thousand

Betty: So we talk about justified killing

Earl: Yes indeed. At the time I was young and somewhat explosive

Betty: Right, I believe you were about 8 years old when you first started exploding?

Earl: I was 8 years old when I exploded about every 5 minutes. After that it speeded up to every 5 seconds

Betty: And then, after more than a million explosions you got letters from people saying they wanted you to stop

Earl: Yes. And I did. I went into black mailing, corrupting and gambling to relax a little

Betty: And how do you feel now?

Earl: Well, I am quite nervous still. At the moment I feel something trembling in my pocket although that could be my mobile phone

Betty: Do you ever loose?

Earl: Good question...well, sometimes when I get tired of saying 'thank you for the money', I deliberately loose a game for not having to say anything

Betty: How amiable-

Earl: I am indeed of a very fine and noble character

Betty: Want a sandwich?

Earl: I'd love to, thank you

Betty: No thank you

Earl: What are you thanking me for?

Betty: I wasn't

Earl: Are you taking the mickey?

Betty: No no, we are just eating sandwiches now, please take one

Earl: Ah, a biggie, thank you

Betty: No, thank you

(silence)

Earl: I feel a little suspicious Betty

Betty: oops...all right then...cheerio!

BETTY RECTIFICATION

The Earl of Sandwich would like to declare that all the striking similarities between Professor Periwinkles fantastic stories about a certain Sandwich and his own person The Earl of Sandwich, are of a complete coincidental and nonrealistic character or quality or doing

Truly yours

and

Was signed by

The Fourth Earl of Sandwich

aka The Crowned Crumble

BETTY SANDWICH

Betty meets a sandwich which feels abused

Sandwich: I am NOT bitter

Betty: but you do sound like you have a bad taste in your mouth

Sandwich: it's just that people were SO demanding

Betty: and bossy

Sandwich: and very bossy. It was never right. Then cheese then salad then it was cluttering mayonaise, all on top of me!

Betty; but you did so well, holding on to all those toppings

Sandwich: well, THEY need something to hold on when it is twelve o'clock and I am a goodie two shoes Betty

Betty: but that is great, a little bit of self sacrifice!

Sandwich: yeah, but I feel exhausted, I need a rest Betty

Betty: why don't you take a nice holiday on the beach. a bit of sun, a bit of sand

Sandwich: Betty, i am a sandwich. I would dry out on the beach

Betty: then go for a good sleep

Sandwich: Betty, I only live about one, two days, I have no time to sleep

Betty: why don't you just lay down somewhere

Sandwich: Betty! If they find me, they will eat me!

Betty: oops sorry....all right then...cheerio!

So.... who knows where self sacrficing sandwhiches can get a good rest?